My place in the world

Hello dear friends! I know I have neglected you. I have been very busy with my new partner, job, kid, life, church, etc. But I'm here now and I have a little wisdom to share from the experiences of the past few weeks. 

As you know from my previous posts, I really hated working as a salesperson at the call center. Especially because whenever I measured myself against my colleagues, I was the worst of them all. But then my partner told me something that really made sense: your talent is not to be the best or to be the strongest one. Your talent lies within being fragile and sweet. That takes a lot of courage too!

Do you know why it is that some people are good at some things and some are good at others? Every one is born with a special set of skills, a different way to see life and with the tools they are given, they develop a special way of doing things too. I always looked at my colleagues with a bit of envy because they were really good at selling. Others were really good at keeping giant amounts of information regarding specific subjects and others were just great at creating a special bond between them and the customers. I was good at being totally honest and sincere and the customers were grateful for that. But I wasn't very productive in the financial sense, I just kept the customer satisfaction up on the scale.

We all have our place within the group, which makes us important as part of it. In the Bible, it says  no part of the body is less important (1 Corinthians 12:12-26). The whole array of parts is what makes the body work. And so it is that we ourselves make an impact on the wholeness of the community of people around us, even when we don't notice it or don't believe ourselves to be that important. 

I was sent to a different department beacuse I wasn't cutting it as a call center agent. Honestly, I agree that I wasn't cut out for that specific job, even when I did my very best! That was not where I could use my skills best. But it was very interesting when one colleague approached our boss and said "Hey Mr. XXX I can't believe you let Maria go, you cut out the heart of the group, and now nobody feels the same about coming back to work anymore". When he told me that, I realized that even if I didn't intend for it, I was part of something bigger than myself or my few friends at work. I was a part of the bunch, just as we as Christians are part of the body of Christ. And that is why it's so incredibly important to realize that our talents are so valuable, even if we ourselves don't see them as fundamental as others which might seem more obvious.

You must know the story of David and Goliath. When David was sent to the front lines, he was offered an armour and a sword. But David was not good with a sword. Nor was he very fast under the weight of an armour. He was good with his own weapon, a simple sling and stones. And his talent was not greater than the best swordsman's. But when he put it to use, it was enough to kill a giant. He didn't envy the swordmanship. He did the best he could with his own gift.  And that was more than enough!

There is no talent which is better or worse. You might be a great singer, a wonderful speaker, a great shoulder to lean on when someone needs comforting, maybe you're a talented cook, gardener or you might just be the quiet person who has the gift of listening and giving good advice. Whichever your talent is, God gave it to you so that you could add that precise little piece to the world around you. You are so valuable! You are important and precious. Without your talents the world around you is incomplete. And whichever your gift is, I hope you enjoy it, cultivate it and continue growing in it so that you can impact the world around you just the way God intended you to. 

Making room for someone new

I just started a relationship with a very wonderful young man. YES! 

OH NO! I have been dreading having a new relationship so much because I fear the worst from the very beginning. But then last night, I spent the whole night thinking things over. When I was a young kid, I made a list of things I wanted my partner to have. The list went kinda like this: 

-Blue / grey / green eyes

-Dark blonde

-Taller than me (If you are a girl who loves heels, a taller guy is a MUST!)

-Great sense of humor

-Can play a few instruments

-Has a great smile

-Smart

 As I grew older, I got more insight through bad experiences. I also started to think about really important things like if he can get along great with my kid, want kids, deal with money, help around the house, build and repair stuff,  listen to the right kind of music, read my kind of books or watch the same kind of movies we like, how about his beliefs, food habits and hygene and so forth. And then I realized that the rest of my relationships were great practice for the real deal and up to this point, I didn't feel ready to have a boyfriend who thought about things like moving in with me in the future and buying a bed together. This was a really big deal!! (Considering I had trouble going to the supermarket with the previous one!) And while we were jokingly talking about the zillion things that have to be done in the apartment, it really hit me! I was for a few seconds paralyzed with dread and at the same time so relieved that things with this new guy seemed so incredibly "in sync" that he brought it up just as if it were the most natural thing in the world. A double bed? When would a single ever need a double bed? I've never thought of that...

I spent the night thinking that I haven't made any space for someone in my life at all. The previous boyfriends had no chance, no say, not even an empty drawer to put their stuff in! I have had all of my things where they should be and all the control because I didn't think anybody else should fill up any space at all. They just weren't good enough. And now that I have met this wonderful person, I'm emotionally ready to make some space, go crazy, empty one whole side of the closet, see how things turn out one little step at a time. He's right for me now because we are at a similar place in our lives and we fit comfortably without strains or awkwardness. And this relationship is different from the others because he is different and I can't go on in life expecting the worst, stumbling on things that I have already left behind, expecting him to make the same mistakes as others before him. I have to let go of a few things to make room for him, for the new things in our lives, for the new challenges ahead and the great experiences. I have to make room in my heart just as much as in the closet, even if he doesn't turn out to be the one I marry (which at this point in life I am really not considering!!!), so that we have a chance at all to work out.

Mr S. is really wonderful. Mostly because he doesn't pressure me to do anything. If things find their own speed, space and time, they will work out the way they have so far. I'm not freaking out for a change. Maybe I don't need the shrink to tell me I'm doing great. And I thank God for letting me see him for the magnificent person he is inside, for having met him at this point in time, for cluttering out my life to the point where we had the  basics to start something good this time around.

Did I mention that he fills ALL OF THE REQUIREMENTS ABOVE!? Yay me! But still, I'm keeping the keys to the house for myself... for now...

Of the rich, the poorest and of the poor, the richest...

Yesterday I shared a little bit about my life in Guatemala with some of the girls from church. And they were rather surprised. I told them that I come from a good family, a solid name, a home with wealth and prestige. And I hated that life very much. Along with being "a famous name" came a lot of responsibility and expectations. In one of my previous posts, I told you how my sister talked to me about having a clean name and reputation, and how it has definitely inspired many of my every-day decisions in life, to be responsible of being someone. Especially someone who can be proud of being called by that name which I have made for myself. 

We kids had a great childhood. We had bikes, we climbed trees, had to go to school in uniforms and had all the privileges other kids from the high class society in Guatemala had. We didn't grow up pampered or taking vacation trips all over the globe. We were never lacking, but never had huge amounts of money to spare. So from an early age, I detested little rich kids who thought that they were worth more than others because their parents could afford the expensive trips, luxuries and material items. I mocked them and they hated me in return. So I used to hang out with the rejects instead. They were at least honest with their intentions and their words. 

When I decided to move to Germany at the age of 19, I realized that I was giving up a life of privilege and security for a life of struggle, hardship, loneliness and poverty. I don't know if I was nuts then or just didn't realize what I was getting myself into, having a kid in a foreign country and bringing her up all by myself, honestly! But I did and now I don't regret a minute of it. I just had to learn to let God work in my life, to revenge me, to heal me, to provide for me, to give me everything I need in life and show me what is really important. God has been my friend, parent, protector, provider  and giver of hope when there was nothing else left and I learned to trust Him every step of the way.

I traded Nine West heels for 10 dollar tennis shoes and Liz Claiborne dresses for church sales and donations, Villeroy & Boch plates for mismatched 10 cent plates from garage sales and all my furniture is second-hand or picked out of the trash (which in Germany, regarding furniture, is often in very good condition). But to be very honest, I don't miss any luxury from my past life. Every piece of furniture has its story, every present from church members is a demonstration of God, providing for us in His magnificent ways. We have never hungered or had to spend the night out in the street. We now live in a beautiful apartment and both my daughter and I are very grateful for everything we have in it. We see life through the eyes of poor people. And we have learned to be grateful for the small things too. The most unbelievable of them is that the last time I went to do shopping was in May, and ever since our pastor came and brought us food during our greatest time of need, we have not run out of it since! It has multiplied in our cupboards!!! We have shared with guests and others in need, and still, it has always been enough, even though I have had absolutely no money to go grocery shopping!

But we are so very rich! We have family in Guatemala, Costa Rica, USA, Denmark and Germany who send us their prayers and love every chance they get. We have friends who really care about how we are doing and if something can be done, we can count on them to lend a hand, or share good news and celebrate together. We have a congregation that we love as much as they love us back. So I may not have a cent in the bank (I actually have 68 cents in my bank account currently, so I am clearly exaggerating!) but we are rich in love. And it is so much that it pours out into the things we do, even the job I hate, because people there need it too. Nora was telling me today how she has encountered God and shared with her friends the awesome experience of being a Christian.

I have had the blessing of meeting very poor people back home and have always admired that even if they didn't have much, they gladly shared whatever they had with us. They are rich too! And in comparisson, the people of this magnificent, wealthy country of Germany, even with its myriad of opportunities, are constantly unhappy, lonely and very much in need of everything else that can't be bought with money. They are very poor! 

So I've decided to be a "missionary" in a wealthy country. There is so much to do right here where we are! I want to share my sofa and time with those in need of a cup of coffee, a heartfelt conversation, prayer, friendship and honest, sisterly love, a favor, a helping hand and a shoulder to lean on when times get too tough to deal alone. We have received so much, it's time to give back. After all, love is the only thing that grows even more when you share it.And if we do things with this love and engagement towards other people, God will see it and reward it as He sees fit, as always in abundance!

...And now you're just somebody that I used to know...

A benefit of growing old and wise is knowing when to give up on something. Picking your battles really can lower your risk of heartache and anger episodes. Heck, it might even save you a restraining order or two! Like when you choose to fight with a good friend over different points of view. And depending on how strongly you feel about your beliefs or point of view and the love you feel for that friend, that's just how much the opposing person's opinion is going affect you on the emotional level. 

When I was married to my ex, we were both very young and inexperienced. And we got on each other's throats on a daily basis. But I always wondered why it was that whenever HE said something, no matter how stupid or sarcastic it was, he would always make me want to cry. That was it! One sentence and he could ruin my whole day! But it was actually my fault, as I later discovered.

With time, I learned that I did have a choice in how I could respond to things. I can give any person within my inner bounds a specific place of importance. The more irrelevant I made him in my mind, the less he was able to affect me.  The less attention I paid him, the less he could ruin my day with his hurtful remarks. And at some point, I guess I built a wall around me where it didn't matter what people said to me, I could take it. But that was the other extreme. Because I realized that I had stopped showing emotions completely. I walled out my ex along with my ability to feel strongly about anything coming from anybody. That was when I learned that I could choose exactly how important he was to me or not.

But there has to be a healthy middle ground somewhere, I thought!! And precisely that is the point you have to reach to make your decision wisely. If you consciously let in the message you are receiving, then you also have to deal with the consequences of the words. Some are edifying and good. Others are devastating. All words have a certain degree of power. 

This is why I choose consciously to surround myself with people who are optimistic, positive, happy, loving, balanced, morally centered, child friendly, interesting and smart. And they feed me that which I am so hungry for: the right kind of attention. They also fill me with a bit of themselves with  their encouraging, loving, interesting, positive words. And that is where I hope and strive to belong. 

The other sort of people in my life have gone their separate ways, because we no longer have anything in common. Those people who suck the energy out of you, those are especially the ones you have to be careful with. Make sure not to reject them downright! But also make sure to be in a balanced point within yourself. It's easy to get pulled into a bottomless pit of despair when the people who you choose to surround yourself with are in this hole and you are dangling from the edge yourself. And they might not even notice it! The only thing you can do is be there for them for a very small amount of time. As long as they don't pull you down too. And people who have nothing better to do than nag about others are not the kind of people you want to hang around with anyway. I had to say goodbye to a friend today who made me realize that I felt very lonely when he was around. He made me feel worthless often enough. So I had a clean break with him. We didn't part in any ugly terms. But we realized that the only thing we had in common was our past and that we once felt similarly about things. But I changed. And we branched in two very different life roads. Sometimes it's hard to let go but it's always for the best. There's no shame in that.

If this old lady can give you advice on this precise subject, it's this: 

Make sure you know your worth (just in case you weren't sure, you are worth a whole lot!!!). 

Don't do things for and with people who bring you down, just because you are accustomed to it. 

Your time and resources are valuable. 

Surround yourself with people you admire. 

That which makes them great rubs off on you in the long run! 

There are people who will be there for a reason, for a season or for a lifetime, so learn to recognize them and value them for as long as you have them. 

If they part from your life, it's for a good reason. Let them go their way and wish them well on their journey.

Forgiving, part II: How much sin does God let me get away with??

Ok so I've been keeping you updated on a lot of the details about my life. But just in case you missed it, here it goes again in a nutshell: I am a single mom, 30, living in Germany. I have a daughter who will turn 9 tomorrow and as much as I'd love to say that I am successful in everything I set my mind to do, I can only prove the opposite. I have no career, just began to work for a call center and up to last week, despised every moment I worked there, mostly because my job in sales consisted of telling half-truths or downright lying to the customers to reach a certain quota.  Oh, and I can't quit.

But God has his way of putting us exactly where we belong, at the right place and time (think of Jonah and the whale!). Even though I would never ever have chosen to put myself in this position, this is where I am exactly. And I wonder, when I lie to customers about their contracts (or tell them half-truths that sound very convincing), what exactly should I tell God if I dropped dead in a few minutes. I know I can't fool Him, but can I at least blame Him for sticking me into this particular jar of honey? I'd love to start the conversation with "Dear God, what were you thinking!!??". Fact is, I can't get out of this and I have to survive for Nora.

 When I came home from work the first week, I felt dirty and cried a lot. There was a rift that was inevitably beginning to form between my Father and myself after each lie and closed deal.  And I hoped God was not on the line, listening in on what I'd tell some people. I wanted to pull away from Him because I knew very well I was doing wrong and couldn't face God like this. And even worse, when my boss screened my calls, he gave me even more lies I could use to boost sales and a big thumbs up for the great work I was doing!! (INSERT FACE PALM HERE)

So, to find consolation, I went to the fountain of wisdom (my bible) and looked up what it had to say about continuously sinning. And it was apalling! Here are some of the verses I found:

-Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin.(John 8:34)

-For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it.(James 2:10)

-Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.(Galatians 5:19-21)

-For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 6:23)

And so on, and so forth....
...But then....

-He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit (...) (Titus 3:5)

So basically what this verse says is that it doesn't matter how righteous I am or how often  I have committed a specific sin because that is not how God weighs it out. Right? God has given us the unbelieveble gift of salvation in exchange for nothing at all, other than we repent every time we sin. And He knows full well that  we are gonna fall over and over on our faces, some with this kind of particular weakness, the other with another weakness. But basically we will all fall on a regular basis. But in the end, if we repent regularly, we'll be forgiven and there will be a happy end with angels singing joyfully for one converted sinner.

I am very confused! I see king David's story, for example. He was a great lover of God. And he sinned once and big time. And he angered God. And he was forgiven but cursed at the same time in the most horrible way a parent can experience pain: by seeing his son die. And his relationship with God was never the same after that. So what keeps me hoping for His forgiveness if God doesn't mix with sin? And how does that all fit in with the teachings of other biblical verses that say that it doesn't matter how much we sin, we will never be clean. But God's salvation is His gift to us, no matter how good or bad we've been??

Personally, after committing one big sin, I went downhill from there. I did a little more sinning, and then a little more here and there. I figured that my soul is like a dress; if I get one big dirty spot or many small ones, the dress is still dirty and it has to go into the washer because the size of the stain isn't what counts, but the fact that the fabric is soiled. Does God cleanse us and forgive us just like that too? And if he puts us somewhere where it is completely unavoidable to get dirty, are we acting right or still accountable for consciously committing a sin? Of course we have to deal with the consequences of all our actions. But are we truly forgiven? Is Judas forgiven for handing Jesus over to his enemies on a silver platter?

And there comes the other question haunting me like crazy: WHAT WAS HE THINKING BY PUTTING ME IN HERE, IN THIS PLACE, AT THIS TIME?!

Let me tell you what happened after. I had been very distraught and hoping for a miracle (or to get miraculously fired).  I felt sick at the thought of continuing my sinful journey. The first Friday I worked, my stomach rebelled against me so I had to go to HR and explain why I needed to go home earler. Well that was embarassing! How do you explain to your boss that the garbage you are dishing out is actually making you sick on the inside? I went home early after a long conversation with the guys in HR, telling them that I was very grateful for the opportunity they were offering me but I could not get my conscience to agree with the things that were going on in the department I was working in. They immediately switched me to the most honest campaign they had to offer, which is where I am working at the moment.
The Monday and Tuesday after that I missed work because my kid got sick. And in those two days, the HR personnel got everyone in a meeting and forbade them to continue lying to the customers. Some people got fired, some got a slap in the hand. Some were sent right back to training. And I still wonder if it had to do with the conversation I had with HR on that Friday when I left work early hoping and praying for a miracle to happen or was it, as they explained the change, because policies had been revised and rewritten? Was this what God had in mind for me? And was my sin forgiven if God knew that I couldn't have done anything differently? Lots of people were taken out of harm's way with this process. But some were fired and who knows what will happen to them and their families?

When I found out what had happened, I could not help but feel very relieved. I also felt like I was really forgiven and wearing a brand new, clean dress.

The last thing I ever want to do now is displease my Father. I want Him to look upon me again and not have anything ever to come between us. It even makes me sad to think that I will sin again and disappoint Him. Or that He might some day remove His presence or Holy Spirit from me. That would be horrible!!! But I learned a valuable lesson in the end.

The people who sit next to me at work ask me how and why it is that I have a huge smile on my face on a Monday morning. At the back of my mind, I am still overjoyed, replaying the events of the past few weeks and would love to share this joy with everyone around. But God sees the hidden things. That's what counts.

About selling lies...does God forgive?

It may not be true, but it's the way I see it! 

This is a line I have heard in my head a lot of times this past week and a half. I have a new job and I am hating every single minute of telemarketing. Especially that I have to use my real name! 

I have worked on sales and I have hated that, because I do honestly care for people. I care that they are well taken care of and it matters to me to be honest about whatever it is that I do for and with them. So it's quite the contradiction that I signed a contract to do telemarketing. It was out of pure need!

My sister once gave me a talking down when I was a few years younger. She said: "Mari, don't ever do anything which you will be ashamed of to tell your daughter some day. And never do anything that might ruin your name. You have only one name. Keep it clean!". When we came to Germany, nobody knew us. I was nobody, I am nobody and nobody knows anything about my past except what I choose to tell them. I define who I am by showing the best of me every day. I choose to live a life with a certain moral standard and honesty. I can sleep at night knowing that what I do and who I am is transparent and worthy of being proudly shown. By keeping my name clean I am inheriting a special moral and sense of direction to my little one. And to sell lies to customers is the business of people with very little scruples. I'm sure I'm not cut out for telemarketing. Not now, not ever!!!

And it's not just the fact that I am selling lies to my customers what affects me the most, it's actually that I have been pushed to doing something I hate just to survive. I've been here before and I was dead inside. The people sitting to my right and left look like soulless drones, squawking away like little parrots the lines which we are obligated to learn by heart. In their pauses you can sense their disillusionment and when you talk to them you see the resignation in their eyes. I wondered how long it took them to fall into this hole. It took me less than a week to realize I was slipping into the old habits. I was like this, but learned to feel alive again after a while. 

I refuse to be a drone. And the more I refuse, the harder it gets to "get by". I see and feel my body rejecting lies and deception. I feel physically ill at the thought of lying and deceiving to get my paychek. It may be that others see telemarketing differently, but that is the way I see it! And I fear that by trying to get by, I might lose sight of that which is really important to me: staying in the straight and narrow, being transparent and letting light shine through. I pray that God forgives me every night, because I know I am doing wrong. 

I am surely trying my best to get out of this situation ASAP. But does God forgive you if he knows you are sorry but have to do it to survive?

The joy that never came (from the places she expected)

She sat there staring at the vapor emanating from her hot cup of coffee. In her hand were the badges she would sew on to her daughter's scout uniform. Her fingers worked with a life of their own as each stitch was placed, adding one more success to the sleeve. 

She thought about her own badges. What had she earned up until now?

She looked at her own shirt and there was no decoration proving that she knew what she knew. There was no medal giving testimony of having come out of all those situations successful. Only her memories knew. 

She looked up and stared at her reflection on the TV. A few wrinkles around the eyes, a few pounds around the waist. But mostly, her youthful looks were still there. The weight of her burdens made her feel old and tired. The sleepless nights and endless hours of worry and looking for solutions had left a mark embedded under her sad eyes. And yet, she was so young! 

She reminded herself to smile and made a shy attempt to bare her teeth. But the smile didn't reach her eyes. It had been a while since it came naturally. She was dazzling when she smiled. She thought of all the good things that were worth laughing and rejoicing about. Those were her hard-fought achievements. She learned to walk again, she learned to live, to forgive and heal and fight for the good things. She was a champion at being patient and standing her ground when all else seemed to be against her. She was a fighter although her hands had never been raised in anger or to hurt. 

She looked at her worn hands full of scars, her bitten nails. These hands were made for caressing, for giving and loving and holding tight, for creating beauty, for defending the weak, for mending the torn, she thought. And she stroked a long blonde lock of hair from her girl's dreamy face laying next to her thigh. Her little girl. Her greatest achievement. Her reason to get up and fight. Her greatest source of pride and joy.

And then she finally smiles and she has that glint in her eyes.

Life has not been too kind to her so she struggles to find joy in the little moments. She knows she will survive everything. She has strength in her soul even when her body betrays her. Especially then. Her healed scars are her badges and she carries them with pride.

If she had a badge to earn it would be for this: she has learned that true joy doesn't come from the places we expect. Some are just fleeting successes. Joy comes from the quiet moments when everything works as it should, the secret achievements, from overcoming fears, from winning battles and reaching new horizons. And the only way to get that joy is by hanging on to the little moments of every day that make life worth living.

My Dad-Mom

Yesterday was Father's Day back in Guatemala. 

As a child, I used to make slightly modified Father's Day presents so that my mom could have them because my dad was well... with his other family. I don't want to place him under a bad light or anything. My dad was just a very passionate person, passionate about life, about women and about his endeavors. He was also always very sick. (Sound familiar?)

I never got to have a relationship with him because he passed away shortly after my ninth birthday. Amazing, I was as old as my little Nora. And just like her dad, my dad was never around for me. I hate it that the story repeats itself because I realize as an adult woman that growing up without a dad is (like mom says) like growing up without a limb. Of course you get by, you live a normal life and all. But you are never complete and something is always going to be missing. And you are always going to envy somebody for having that which you don't have.

My dad was a great guy, or so I hear. People tell me stories about him, how wonderful he was and what he did for others. He used to light a room whenever he entered it and he would paint a smile on people's faces whenever he turned his attention towards them. He was awesome, and instead of feeling proud about these stories, I want to punch somebody in the nose, because I feel cheated of a great dad, a great guy. And I wish so much to have known him and spent time with him. The way our story went was that he left my mom pregnant with me. He built another family. He never really spent time with me ever. And I never felt like I was special enough or important enough for him (or any other man after). And it ruined my relationship with God as well because that was the image of a dad for me: a guy who knocks up women, leaves them, builds another family and leaves his helpless children behind when they most need him. But now it's too late to regret. Besides, most of these wounds have healed with a lot of time and therapy and prayer.

If I could say something to my dad today, it would be that I wish he had been that great guy he was to others, to me as well. I wish he had been there to dance with me at graduation and to give me away at my wedding. I wish he had come to Germany and held his grandchild after she was born. And I wish he had thought I was special enough as to visit me alone. And I wish that he had talked to me about boys because I could have used that advice, coming from a guy. Maybe I wouldn't have even needed the advice because I'd have had such a great example.

But now I can't really complain because I have always had a perfect, caring, heavenly Father. He loved me so much that he sent his most precious Son to die for me. He thought I was that important and special. And He has taken care of me through all my good and bad times and I know that my little one knows this Father well. This Father is intimately intertwined with all our activities and knows even our unsaid prayers. Just like mom. Sometimes I think God is a lot more like my mom: there through thick and thin and never holds back on telling me where I am messing up.

So Happy Father's Day, Dad. And Mom, thank you! You did your best to fill in for the father I never had.

Hey stupid, I like your hair today!

I have a big flaw. I see the good in people. And I enjoy it. And I don't keep it to myself. And this leads to a lot of confusion.

When I say things like "I love the way your shoes match your skirt", I don't want to brown-nose you. I don't want anything from you. I don't want you to pay me a compliment back (though I do enjoy it). I mean no innuendos. I don't say this to make you uncomfortable. I say it because I mean just that. Your shoes look nice. Period! 

 But you are right, some compliments can be taken differently depending on lots of factors. If I say something generic like "I like your hair today", you might think I'm saying your hair doesn't always look good. So rule number one in giving compliments is to be specific about what you like. Some thoughts on compliments should just be revised and corrected (IMHO).

Even the term "PAYING a compliment" is wrong because it means that you expect something in return for your payment. If you receive a compliment from me, just know that I see you. I noticed. I care. You are worth the attention. And I am giving you this little present for free!

It must also be one of those cultural difference things too. I feel comfortable approaching people and saying nice things. It's just the way I roll.  I love giving and receiving compliments. They make my day! They are like little verbal hugs that make you realize that somebody is paying attention. And I want to make your day when I say something nice to (or about) you. Now take it like the present it is, enjoy it, put it away and get on with your life! 

It's quite funny that people are more comfortable taking an insult than a compliment. If I say "Hey Stupid", you might reply with a playful smile on your face. But forget me saying "Hey beautiful/handsome". That is almost inappropriate. Why? 

Praying for the enemy

I had a long conversation with my mom-in-law today about my husband. I rarely hear from him, much less hear about his newest adventure. But there are times when I find out what he is up to and it makes me so sad I want to facepalm myself. It's amazing that a man with so much intelligence can get himself into such stupid problems. But we were once together and had a child together and that makes us family no matter what, no matter how far we are from each other physically, spiritually and emotionally. And I held the longest grudge against him, for many years, for many reasons. He was my enemy.

So imagine my surprise when I realized today that I was really hoping for him to be ok. My fingers all of a sudden were intertwined and I was praying fervently for my husband to find God. Imagine me praying for "the enemy" because he really needs God more than ever in his life. Imagine that there was nothing more on my mind other than hoping he is ok wherever he is, whatever he is doing. I forgive him. 

Please God, just let him find you, like I have found you, let him have a genuine encounter with You, let him fall in love with You!

And then imagine the joy of realizing that this bond that has united us  for so long was cut, without me even realizing it. I am free of hate, judgement, anger and hurt. And what bonds us now is that the Lord put in me to pray hard for him. What bonds us now is love.

Yes, this is the kind of supernatural healing that God promises. And I have no doubt that my husband will find God wherever he is.  I hope only that it happens sooner than later. But it's also in God's hands, within God's perfect plan.

What happened??

Well, it's almost that time: the famous 30th birthday is next week. YIKES! I have been dreading ending my 20's because I always hoped that by then, I would have my life figured out. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and realizing that I can do better in many ways. And although I know a lot about a lot of subjects, I am not good at absolutely anything (other than being Nora's mom). But some things I used to be really really good at. And now it seems like that is gone too, together with my youthful looks.

The guys and girls I hang around with are barely 20 and I see a lot of my old self in them. Man, I love and admire these guys! Most of all, that huge amount of potential and strength, the great achievements that people younger than myself have reached and yes, I feel a little jealous of their accomplishments. 

But the true question is what happened to me? When did I lose my shine? Why? Yes, I have been though a whole lot this past decade. But when did I stop singing at the top of my voice? I used to sing in the school choir and always aimed to sing louder than all of them. At church, I didn't care if I carried the tune or lost a note here and there. I was happy singing at the top of my lungs, even if I didn't know the lyrics. And I was very happy on a stage. I felt right at home! Now I can barely squeak alone in the shower, much less talk to a stranger I like and flirt!

So now you can imagine how I felt when a dear friend of mine asked me to sing for him, for a beat he is making, and I could barely bring out a little mumble. When did fear creep up on everything I used to like? I was scared of doing it wrong, missing the tone, what if I sang it wrong? I realized that I had lost my voice! When did this happen?

I was a model in my late teens. Now I hate posing for the camera because of my double chin and because I feel ugly. But when I'm all alone, I still see that pretty girl I used to be in the mirror. She waves back from time to time, reminding me that she is still in there, deep inside. And growing older doesn't mean that I have to continue losing my beauty. It's still in there, under all the fear and the blunt edge I got from all the bad experiences.

I want to bring sexy back. I want the old me to shine through because I am just as wonderful as the guys and girls who have become my friends and honestly, I have just as much potential. Stay tuned because this girl is growing a year (or a few years) younger next week! And I plan on singing at the top of my lungs again!

Girl, get over yourself!

Have you ever analyzed your life and come to the conclusion that you would really like to do something but you never came around to it because your attitude got in the way?

Last year I challenged myself to do all the things I would not normally do. Nora and I went to an amusement park, got on all the rides, and even rode them twice if we thought they were extra scary. Then I made my best effort not to have a heart attack while hanging from very high ropes at a climbing park. 

Like I said, very frigging high!

We went to fairs and rode the highest and fastest rides too. Then we ate things we wouldn't normally eat, like Vietnamese and Thai, candied apples and other food. It was a real blast overcoming all those fears. And I gained a lot of self-respect because I nailed that. Woohoo me!!

For this year, the goal was to stop being so incredibly shy when it came to talking to people about myself. Hence the blog. I also got on a stage in front of the whole church and told part of my life story. That was horrifying! Although I have modeled almost bare naked and been on a stage several times before, I have never been so petrified before. Not even on the aforementioned ropes at the climbing park. I wasn't scared about the lights, the people or stuttering, but about opening up and showing the intimate me. What if nobody likes what they see?

If opening up has been a challenge, the real big one has been to reach out to other people. I realized that I have very few friends and although that is normal, I want to overcome the fear of opening up and letting others in and exchanging feelings and intimate thoughts. I have always dreamed of having lots of friends who like me. I want to finally make my childhood dream come true of having a really big party with lots of guests who know me and love me for who and what I am. I guess it's every (ex)reject's dream come true, right?

I have a crush on someone right now and whenever he even looks my way, whenever he comes near me, I stutter, forget the language and my name and trip over myself. At my age, I thought that would be over and I had the confidence in myself to at least exchange a few awkward sentences. But no, my extreme shyness and the nagging thought of "maybe he thinks I'm ugly" ruins it for me every time. So I'm gonna do it. I am going to talk to him this week.

Having seen that health and life are so fragile, I have sought to make every day memorable and special in its own way. Pushing myself to the limits and seeing that they are a lot farther than I imagined has opened up a world of possibilities and I really encourage you to try it. Some might be little things like touching a spider, eating something foreign to you or getting on a fast ride at the fair; or big things like talking to that someone who makes you stutter. But it's a step towards showing yourself your true potential. My advice: don't miss out on life because your fear gets in the way. You'll never know if you like it unless you try it.

Mosaic

One thing I know for sure is that life is not a straight line. We have bumpy, black, grey, white, yellow, red, blue and everything-in-between periods. Some times are smooth going, some are rough. Life is the collection of all those moments and what you do with them is very much up to you.  In the end, the more interesting the colors and patterns, the more beautiful the composition will be.

I have been ranting and raving about the rough patch I have had for the past few months. But I kinda got stuck in just one little part of the grand picture. And I forgot to mention that I've had really cool days in between too. 

I've learned to share my little pieces with others and have received little pieces of them to add to my mosaic called life. And you see, this is really what it's all about. We are all different. Life is not about following a straight single-colored pattern. It never was. But I planted these ideas into my head and was so dismayed that at the age of (in three weeks, gasp!!) THIRTY, I had nothing to show on paper, like other people I know. I had plans but life happened and things just got in the way. But man, what an awesome ride it has been up to this point! I can't compare my life experiences to anybody else's. Like an abstract picture, my beauty lies in not being standard, regular and normal but in being me and doing what I do best: to flourish among the ever-changing tides. Every time the gameplan has changed, I have risen to the occasion and succeeded by being malleable. 

The biggest challenge for me has always been that I am different though. I was not like my family so I left. I was not like anybody I knew in school so I was a reject. I was never like one of the locals because I was always the foreigner. And I wasted so much valuable time and energy trying so hard to fit in and be them. But I was meant to stand out for something: I can adjust to change. Of all the people I know, nobody has had so many rough times and come out of them victorious. That is me. I can smile no matter how awful it gets. Because I can see the positive side of almost any occasion, I can still laugh in the face of hardship.  That makes me really special (in my very humble opinion, that is). And that has taken me places I would've never imagined. I have gone left, then right, then up and down again and back. And that is exactly how it should be. My life is going to be a really awesome mosaic when I'm finished here! And I thank all of the people who have touched my life for sharing with me their colorfulness along the way.

I am a truly blessed work of art!

Current job description: survival specialist!

I connected with someone from my past on Facebook a few days ago. She will be coming to Germany this week and I have been very excited since then. I can't wait to see my old classmate. I can't wait to get her up to date on the past decade of my life!

But then, insecurity starts to gnaw at my conscience. I start wondering what it is that I will tell her. I want her to be awed. I want to feel proud of all my accomplishments. But the truth is, there is not much to tell. My story since I graduated from high school: I escaped to Germany, had a daughter, got married but my marriage went down the drain in a matter of 2 years. I have tried to study, failed, tried again, failed, worked my butt off, got laid off, got sick, got better, survived 12 surgeries, depression and various hormone treatments, and am currently looking for a job to get out of debt.

As I picture her, I imagine the very first question coming naturally out of her lips: '-so what are you doing now?' Will the answer suffice? -"I am doing my best. I am surviving". She's a successful professional, happily married, beautiful woman. And I? I'm a mom, unemployed, broke and with no titles, just a lot of raw talent and guts (and a big gut!). Maybe she is not all the good things I imagine her to be. Maybe she has had her struggles too and her life isn't as uncomplicated as I imagine it to be.

I don't envy her at all though.

Here's the thing. I haven't achieved much that you can put on a resume. I have grown inside, developed talents for other things that are not academic, such as compassion, faith, gratefulness, resourcefulness, creativity and making food last till the end of the month. I have matured, I have learned to cope with a lot of things, I have had to struggle and fight for every day I have been here. It was my choice to come. It wasn't my choice to suffer. But I would not change any of it. Because no degree in any university can teach me how to survive and grow in the face of need. Nor will it ever replace the beautiful friendships I have made along the way. I know each and every person I call "friend" is worth more than any money I could ever put in a bank account.

And the gratefulness for this recognition makes me think that we have both gone very separate ways in life. I am not any less just because I was taught in the campus of real life. I also have a degree. Here's my title: SINGLE MOM. And every time I look at my little, beautiful, happy, smart kid, I am just as proud of it as anybody would be of their Harvard degree.

Not finding the positive side yet...

I have suffered a thousand little deaths this past month, every time I had to say no to my little one, when she asked for something in the supermarket or to go out anywhere other than the park. I have laid in bed and wondered what it is that I am doing wrong. I have changed plans over and over. I have prayed for the right plans. I have even cried in front of others. If you know me, you would know that crying to me in particular is as welcome an idea as chewing off my arms. But my desperation right now is so deep, more than ever so heartfelt.

I think I have lost faith in a better life because life has never been extremely kind to me. But I have to say that every good thing that happens is duly celebrated and cherished. I still wonder why God wanted us to learn to live in poverty. Is it trust? Is it faith? What is the goal of this precise exercise?

One of Nora's friends from school came up to me one day at the beginning of the month and asked me if it was true that we get our clothes from the church. And I was ashamed. How did I get here? How could things spiral so far out of control? How come things were going so well one moment and the next I am begging for 10 bucks to make it through the week? 

Nora's gestures are what brings me to tears every time. Yesterday, she went to the bank and asked the clerk to open up her piggy bank  so that she could buy me an ice cream. She sat there counting her little fortune and was willing to share it with me. She never argues, she never complains. She's my little hero!

I want to stop fighting for survival. I want to be debt-free. I want to offer Nora a few little extravagances every once in a while, like eating ice cream or going to the movies. I am very close to throwing away my plans for studying and getting a job, any job, just to come out of this horrible rut.

I don't need a shrink. I need a chance, a real job. And 10 bucks to make it through the week...

A glimpse into a supernatural lifestyle

I am selfish. Seriously, compared to other people, I might seem really nice and all. But the people around us taught me that I can go a few notches higher. The guys and girls from the Living Room asked for nothing in return and helped me move. I knew some of the people who helped us move just from seeing them in church but we had never talked, and they were there bright and early and with such a radiant attitude! Honestly, if you had asked me a month ago, I would not have done the same for any of them if I had been presented the opportunity. Of course, now I would gladly give back!!

They asked for nothing in return either when I had no food and they filled my fridge with not just food, but hope. And it's really funny because every time I looked into the fridge, I dreaded and thought "oh no, I am not going to have enough to make for lunch" and then miraculously, it was enough for one meal. And so it went on for a WHOLE WEEK!!! These guys are living like I always imagined it was with the apostles. When one had, he shared with the one who didn't have, and the latter felt just as worthy as the first. And they lacked nothing, especially not encouragement and friendship. 

There is such a powerful lesson here that I can't think about it without getting all teary-eyed. The Supernatural lifestyle I had been praying for is all around me, surrounding me and I am able to see, recognize, appreciate and enjoy it! WOW!!! It has to do with giving with open hands. It will all come back to you with interests.

It's how you see things that really determines how you enjoy and appreciate your life. I can see things happen and call it "fate", "destiny", "my doing". But I choose to see the awe and wonder of prayers and inner cries being answered and giving God the credit for it. I am by absolutely no means rich, but wealthy in every aspect. I have been on the receiving end for enough time and now my heart longs to give back, to share with whoever is in need. My heart is pouring with gratitude.

If I can sum up what it is that I have learned these past few weeks, it's this: 

You are happiest when you give to those in need with open hands. And those who receive will rejoice in God because maybe the simplest gesture is God-inspired and the answer to somebody's prayer.

I encourage you to give like the people from the Living Room. It doesn't have to be money either. It can be a word of comfort or inspiration, a smile, a helping hand, a listening ear or a simple (delicious, loving, solidary, friendly, consoling) hug. It has changed my life and it will change yours too when you see the fruit of what God has planted in the hearts of people all around you.

Brokenness

I was looking at all my thrift store furniture and realized that somebody once thought these pieces I treasure so much were "trash". They were not good enough anymore. And worst, some things were left on the sidewalk, left to the elements, to be thrown away, worthless. One of these things is a very old picture frame I rescued a few weeks ago. At some point, the glass must have cracked so someone pronounced it broken and got rid of it. And that gave me a chance to become creative and make something new out of the old and broken. 

Does this remind you of something, of someone?

There is an artist I know, we'll just call Him the Potter. He told me that we are like clay in His hands. When we come to Him, we are nothing but chips and pieces, worthless heaps of junk, just waiting to become fabulous, awe-inspiring works of art. The Potter takes the clay and places it in the center of the wheel, and the clay resists at every turn. It falls off center, it hurts His hands with its roughness. But the Potter always has patience because he in his mind already konws the outcome. He knows that this heap needs a little grace, some patience, a dab of color, a while in the oven. This is not easy or pleasant for the clay. But then, when the masterpiece is revealed, its worth increases, and somebody looks at it and pays an incredible price for this unique piece of art. 

How I want to be like this masterpiece! Someone paid for it and now He'll put something special and valuable into this receptacle. 

We should all be glad for our brokenness because without it, we would not be unique nor maleable enough to become something even more special.

Little voice vs. Loud noise. Which shall prevail?

In a world where we are so driven to move fast, to stay connected, up to date and informed about every frivolous trivial detail possible, it is hard to listen to the inner voice a lot of times. Our attention lapse for really important matters seems to not be more than a week before the news gets old and we move on to the next new shiny thing in our way. This is modern life.

I had been spending every night going to bed exhausted and waking up at 3:00 am with only one thought in my mind: I had to pray to find THE apartment for us. Not just AN apartment, but one where we could feel at home and had the nice things we wanted. There was a compelling little voice inside of me saying "wait for it", "pray for it", "be patient". But in my day to day madness, I forgot about my prayers and concentrated on doing the footwork. I called a dozen real estate agencies, got turned down by all of them. I called private apartment owners, got turned down too. The deadline was drawing nearer every day and I was just dreading what would happen if...

...And then I prayed some more...

On midnight, on the 3rd of this month, I saw it. THE apartment! It was perfect, just 3 Euro and 4 square meters below the limit stated by the job center. It had 2 bedrooms and that had been my dream since I had Nora, to finally have a room for myself! This was the sign I had been waiting for. And every time I thought about it, I had to utter a silent prayer so that we could get it.

Definitely my time is not God's time to do things. But they get done just the same.

I got the apartment. Now I am waiting for the contract. But in faith, I have already set the date for the move to be on the 1st. I know God won't leave me hanging, so I lay here and pray a little more, not begging but thanking Him for the things we are going to have, for that which He has provided already. My heart pours out in thankfulness. I cry. But my tears are of joy and gratefulness.

I am not an orphan anymore. I never will be an orphan again. I have a Father who gives with His hands wide open. He gives in measures not known to man. He is the Lord of abundance. And I am His child, listening to the little voice that tells me to quiet down, listen and pray. He sent me doctors to build me new knees. It's like I know He wants me to get down on them, use them, receive His blessing for it.

What guides you through life? The big lights and loud noises or the little voice inside?

Stripped and polished

I finally found a tiny apartment on the other side of town. And I love it!!! But it has a few downsides to it, since it's under the roof. We won't be homeless at the end of the month and I have had a landslide of creative ideas on how to optimize space and comfort. But I will have to invest in it a lot. Soon, you might want to see my youtube page, to check out the progress on the place!

In preparation for the new place, I went to an antiques store to look for furniture and ideas. I was in the darkest corner of the shop, where they had all the old stuff one on top of the other, in a very dirty back room and saw a beautiful 18th century desk. It had gorgeous floral details underneath a very ugly layer of laque. It had water marks, a few dents and the locks were in disrepair. I really wished I had the money to buy that desk and restore it to its original beauty.
And then, I remembered a story a very dear friend had told me a few years ago. His wife loved going to second hand stores and garage sales and she loved the old repainted furniture the most. After she peeled off the layers of glittery paint and the odd colors of different decades, she came down to the bare wood. And that was the best part. She loved the colors, swirls, lines and imperfections of the natural wood underneath.

Stripping the paint off isn't easy, it is a lot of hard work!

A few years ago, I wrote a post about the first one-on-one prayer with God. I (foolishly) asked Him to remove from my life everything that took my attention away from Him. Needless to say, I got my wish too. At that point in 2010, I was sitting in a wheelchair, not working, lost my friends, had no money and no family here other than my precious little kid. Basically I had nothing.

I was stripped, bare to the soul and very empty.

I empathized a lot with that old desk today. I am now glad that I made that prayer and that God has taken me out of the shop, like the desk, and paid a high price for me. He has taken the time to strip me of my fake colors, of the ugly laque and has put a lot of effort into making me into the masterpiece He wants me to be.

Honestly, I think I still need a lot of repair. But I am grateful for the pain and loneliness of getting stripped to the grain. I am glad He did it now. I can look at myself in the mirror and appreciate what a wonderful job He has done so far.

Too quick to judge

I have been looking for inspiration for my entry this past week and I seem to be circling around one particular thing that keeps popping up every day: judgement.

To tell you the truth, I do it too. If I see a guy with a weird look in his face holding a knife, you bet I will run the other way screaming. That is an extreme case, though. But what about the subtle little ways we judge people every day? Because they are ugly, fat, stupid, wear ugly clothes, have little money, have a lisp....

I won't paint it pretty, the market for overweight, unemployed, single moms is rather... ok non-existent! But what about my kid? She is a beautiful, sweet, timid and sporty girl. She has it hard too. Nobody is free of judgement.

I get it that people feel safe when they can give things a name and put them securely in a drawer. I get it that it saves a lot of time and effort to not see things as an individuum but as a group.

I unfortunately (FOR NOW) belong to a very unpopular group of people with no income and am still looking for an apartment. I was told by a complete stranger today that I am crippling society. And that we foreigners should go back to our countries instead of living off of Germany. On top of that, she said that she would not even bother to contact the landlady who had an apartment because she didn't want to "inconvenience her with someone like me". THOSE WERE HER WORDS EXACTLY! I know, I am still in shock!

But I forgive her because she made a mistake. She doesn't know me or the circumstances. She doesn't know what to expect of me personally. But maybe she had a bad experience with somebody else before and is seeing the "problem" staring her in the face again. She put me in the drawer of the "undesirable customers". This could hurt if I took it personally, but...

Fortunately for me, I have a pair of magic glasses I can put on in the morning. And when I see people through these glasses, I can look in detail and find that a person is sad, angry, disappointed. Not at me, but at their situation or experiences and they lash out. I see that that girl on the next block is not a whore, but a child who needs a lot of love because she never got it outside a bed. I see the angry man in the car who is frustrated. He isn't angry at me for crossing the street, he just had a hard day at work and really wants to go home. I am not mad at the lady at the shop who treated me like crap. Her boss chewed her out in front of everybody else a few minutes ago.
These magical glasses are called GRACE.

The one thing that stops hate and bad vibes on their tracks is love. That is why Jesus said to love one another.
It is not normally in my nature to be this nice. But I feel good when I know that I am not perpetuating hate.

I am trying to teach Nora to look beyond the insults too. School can be a pretty hard place to survive, even if you are perfect and beautiful. Some kids make fun of her, they shove, slap, kick and are generally mean to my little one. But she has to see also that for some kids, this is what they get at home too. What can you expect from little boys who see that their mom gets slapped around? Or are usually screamed at instead of talked to?

There are many drawers we can put people into. I choose to look through the glass of grace into the details. Only then can I choose to put someone in the drawer of "friends" or "diplomatic acquaintances" or even "serial killer with axe".

Have you ever put someone in a drawer and noticed that they were totally not what they looked like at first glance?

...And then the miracles start to happen...

It's funny how a simple tought on a word or a sentence can keep my head busy for days at a time. The trigger words for me have been "answered prayers". And I can't take all the credit on this one because there were a lot of people involved in the series of miracles I call my life.

Most of all, I have to thank my family because no matter how far apart we are, the spiritual bond that unites us couldn't be stronger. Mom's worries are my worries and my problems affect her too, even though we live in opposite sides of the planet. Their prayers and faith cut through any distance and show me that whenever two get together to pray (even through skype), miracles are bound to happen.

Second, and quite important too, I want to mention my church. These are real friends that make things happen through their willing hands. Not only do they pray (and their words have immense power), they actually care and DO things to make the wonders come to life. And when you put that together, the miracles do start to happen.

I have lost count of the sheer mass of answered prayers that God has made happen so far. I really think that He has a pretty awesome plan for Nora and me. And this is also the reason why I am still alive after 12 surgeries. Somebody asked me this week if I was worried about the future, about being homeless and having even more surgeries. I just smiled and knew in my heart of hearts that God has already got this covered, even since before I was born. His time to answer prayers is really far from my concept of good timing. But this will also have a happy ending.

I do have to warn you, though. God is not a Father who lets us do everything we want without suffering the consequences. He may sometimes even say no, or not yet. And this is for our own good. He knew best why you couldn't go on the vacation you wanted and then found out that the plane you wanted to book had crashed into the ocean. Or He said no to the job you had so fervently applied for, just to find out a few weeks later that the business had gone belly up and everybody had been fired.

I encourage you to pray. Pray for yourself or somebody close to you. Accept it when things don't go the way you want them to go. Sometimes something even better is in store for you. Let me pray for you, whatever the situation is, wherever you are. And then I promise you, the miracles will start to happen!

Blessing in disguise

Back in 2010, I had almost all my life under control (or so I thought). I had a job, financial security, an apartment, my kid, Nora, was doing ok in school. I had nice collegues. I was in control and happy about it. I had no need to go to church. I was mastering life!

But life has a way of throwing you to the curve in a matter of moments when you least expect it.

One day late Spring, I went swimming with Nora. We got out of the water and I turned around to hand her a towel. In that moment, my kneecap popped out of the socket and I broke the femur from the fall. The fall caused a rip on most of the tendons of my left knee and I could not feel my toes. I had nerve damage. I had to have surgery immediately, after having to go through all the tests humanly available.

I remember looking up at the doctors and nurses before the operation. I was so scared, cold and in such pain that every part of my body was shaking. The scariest part of all was having to give up control and be completely vulnerable on an operating table, not knowing if the doctor was going to do a good job or leave me crippled for life.

I had to be in a wheelchair for at least 3 months before finding out if the operation had been a succes. The pain was unbearable during recovery and worst of all, I had had a bad reaction to the pain killers. So nothing could ease the pain for a longer period of time. On top of that, I had no friends or family to take care of us. So it was either oven pizza or ramen soup for us girls to eat. Nora made the food. I would only eat once a day because Nora would eat cereal for breakfast and have lunch in school. I had also recently found out that somebody else had been already hired to take over my job. And my finances were starting to look bad. I had no money left in my savings account. I was all alone in my misery, having to take care of my little one on my own and bear this ordeal with a smile.

I remember 3 weeks after surgery, I was laying on the sofa in the middle of the night, barely breathing so as not to cause any part of my body to move, sweating, shaking with pain. My leg was so swollen that even touching any part of my thigh would send a lightning of pain in all directions. I had not slept for days and was sinking fast into the bottomless pit of despair.

So I lay there and the only thing that went through my mind was "GOD I can't do this anymore. I can't do this by myself. Please help me." That was my first prayer in years. If you know intense pain, you know what it feels like to want to die. That night, I really wanted to just stop breathing and give up the fight. At some point after crying my eyes out, I fell asleep filled with exhaustion, sadness and desperation.

The next day, I woke up to the sound of the telephone. It was my mom in law. We hadn't spoken to each other in weeks. She was calling because she wanted to bring food, cook for us and help me out by cleaning up the apartment. A few days later my nanny called to ask me if I needed anything from the supermarket. Then the next day, a friend asked me if I needed help in anything else. And he came over and did my laundry. I saw him take out the trash and realized that THAT was precisely what I had prayed for that night when I was ready to give up. As it became clear to me, I broke into tears of gratefulness. Now I am sure that God was sitting next to me, He was suffering all those nights right there with me in my living room. God was waiting patiently until I asked for His help. And His powers began just as mine were depleted.

Our relationship began when I was broken. God did not wait for me to be free of sin and in perfect health to come into my life. God is a gentleman who waits at the door until He is invited in.

I was motivated to walk again and things, although really difficult, became somehow manageable. With the help of the people around us, we somehow survived round one.

And then came round two, the operation on the other knee. I did everything in my power to control the outcome. I cleaned the house, did a huge grocery list and prepared for the following feat. And then on the night before when everything in my power was done, came the doubts, the worries, the fear of the oncoming pain and recovery, the memory of the exact same thing happening a few months ago, the horrors repeating themseves, the full knowledge of what was going to happen next, having to give up control and be vulnerable and in huge amounts of pain all. over. again.

The next morning I was in the same operating room, the same doctors hovered around. My body was shaking with dread and I closed my eyes. I prayed: "God please don't let anything bad happen during this operation!"
And then I heard a voice calling my name. I saw an angel standing next to me and his face was kind. He said: "Don't worry Maria, you are not alone in this room. WE are here to giude the hands of the surgeons. Everything will be ok. Rest and be at peace."

I fell asleep and woke up again with lots of pain. I knew this would happen. I was mentally prepared for this. But not for what the doctors said next: "Ms. L," they said, "the operation went even better than we thought. Your recovery time will be less than half of last time and we were able to correct all the ligaments on your knee." I knew God was there too, next to me in that hospital room, cheering.
You see, God is never far away from those who seek Him truly. No matter where we are in our lives, He comes and meets us in our time of need, at our lowest, when we shake our fist up to heaven and ask where He is. When there is nothing left in this world to console us, then there is God.

When I look back, I am really grateful for having had those surgeries. Life was not great at all, not without God in it. And having had a break from the whole world, having to dig deep into who and what I was, was a real eye-opener. It removed the clutter and brought to light the things that are really important.
Prayer is important, it moves people and makes things fall into place.
Friendships are important, God may work though others to help us out.
Family is important, so we can recharge our batteries with their love and care.
And faith is important, because without it, we have no hope for anything good in the future.

This was my blessing in disgiuise. This was the new beginning, the baby steps toward a supernatural life. Have you had a blessing in disguise too?