My hat's off to you, fabulous women!

Just last week I started my levelling course to go back to college. I received a scholarship from the Government 2 weeks ago. I am excited about that, but there is something no scholarship can ever teach, and below is what the awesome women in my course taught me this week.

I met a few of the ladies who were in my course and it surprised me to see that they were all intelligent, self-sufficient fighters. WE all are. We are the survivors of some bad choices and situations. And we have a great story to tell. It might not start out like a nice story, but most of them, I am sure, will have a very happy ending.

As I talked to each one of my classmates, I was awed at the feats that they had to overcome. Some were horror stories, some were less horrible but still heartbreaking. My story was similar, not horrible but heartbreaking. And I have felt ashamed of myself for not making my marriage work, for having to carry my burdens and sustain my little girl all by myself, for having made some really stupid choices, for not having made some other choices. Sometimes the work seems overwhelming, and if I didn't have God consoling me constantly, I would have probably jumped in front of a train by now. Sometimes it's just hard to know right from wrong and make the correct turn at the right time. Sometimes I have just been stupid, immature and naive.

I understand pain, disillusionment, loss of self and self-esteem. I have been there. And that is the reason why I look up to each of these beautiful, strong women. They have shown me what a woman is capable of, and we are capable of dealing with so much! I can appreciate those women because they are doing something, getting somewhere and they are doing it with their bare hands, despite all odds being against them.

Please feel my love going out to you, all you precious angels who have cried yourselves to sleep in the middle of the night and kept a smile on your faces during the day for your kids, all of you who have been left, mistreated, unloved, unwanted, belittled, abused, ashamed. You women, who have made a future for yourselves, to be an example for your children. You who have fought against all odds. You who have swallowed your pride and kept going, not for yourselves but to offer your kids warm clothes, food and a roof over your family's head. I APPRECIATE YOU! You did not suffer for nothing, then if you had not gone through all these experiences, you would never have found out the inner strength and beauty that you possess. My hat's off to you ladies!

DO you know any women who take being a woman to the next level of awesome? I am proud to know a few! Thanks for the inspiration MOM, Lynda and girls from the SPAZ! I have a special place in my heart for each and every one of you!

Homosexuals are my friends and I stand by them too.

I read a newspaper article today which left me shaking my head. It was about what an atrocity homosexuality is and how a homosexual union should be more expensive than a wedding between heterosexuals. So let me get this straight, if you're gay you have to pay more taxes? That is so not fair! It's also not fair to pay more taxes because you choose to be Moslem, Buddhist or Christian, is it? Then that is a free decision too, choosing who you want to serve and love.
It also discussed that homosexuality was a disease, it killed millions of people due to its depravity and that children who were brought up consenting homosexuality were the future perverts.
It also went on saying that heterosexual marriage was the "natural way of life". So what happens when you are born different? What if you are wired differently in your brain?

Now here is my two cents about the subject:
First, being gay is not a mental or bodily disease. It is a preference toward a certain sexual orientation. Now don't tell me that being gay makes you more or less of a person. Some men like big boobs and long legs, some are attracted to short, pixie, boyish looking girls, some men are attracted to men, some women to women. That is homosexuality. It is not a reason to hate another person, just because their tastes are different than yours!

Second, being heterosexual does not automatically make you a better person. I know of a lot of heterosexuals who cheat on their wives, have affairs all over the place or even beat up their partners and kids. Does that make them less of a person? In my opinion, a lot less than liking someone of your same sex. I have also known a lot of homosexuals who are incredibly successful, have long, loving relationships and are a very welcome and positive part of society.

Is the real sin of being homosexual the fact that YOU don't feel comfortable watching two women holding hands? Or is it a sin that they don't stay in the closet? Is it accepted if a man beats up his wife and gives her AIDS because he slept with a prostitute, just because he doesn't inconvenience anybody by showing what he's about outside of his home?

In a religious sense, I know that homosexuality has existed since the dawn of mankind. Nowadays, it's just all "in your face" because the media have made it so accessible. However, it has existed long before Sodom and Gomorrah. Jesus had a very concrete, unmistakeable answer to this subject. He said in John 13:34-35 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”. That means love the people who are different, despite their differences, because of them. Love the sinner, hate the sin! Learn to appreciate the varierty that God has created, because God created homosexuals, bisexuals, transgendered, hermaphrodites, blacks, asians, latinos and europeans as much as He created you and me. And if somebody is going to judge them, let it be God in His righteousness. Let it be God who decides if they have a place in heaven. All I know is that Jesus died for them too. And who am I to judge His creation and perfect plan?

I encourage you to laugh at (with) me!

There was once a smart kid, who asked his mother where he got his brains from. His mother points to her head and replies "my son, you must have gotten your brains from your dad, I still have mine up here".

I am just gonna come out and tell you some seriously messed up and funny traits of my personality. And I encourage you to laugh WITH me about them!

First, I am the world's biggest scatterbrain. I am what people call a functional ADD adult. That means that if you're not looking for the obvious signs, you might not notice that I have ADD. But when you live with me, you will notice:
a) I look for things that I am currently wearing on me, like my sunglasses, scarf, socks or hairpieces.
b) I need to make a checklist before getting out of the house. When I don't make this list, I often end up leaving without my wallet, keys, phone or important documents (it happens a lot!). I have often gone to the supermarket and forgotten to take my trolley with me.
c) You might think I am being extremely efficient, but the truth of the matter is that if I don't do what you asked me to do immediately, I might just forget to do it altogether.
d) A typical example of my scatterbrain-ed-ness (cool, a new word!) is when I want to get a midnight snack: I go into the kitchen, make a sandwich, go get a cup and make tea, then I forget where I put my sandwich so I search the entire house, and then give up and make another one. And the next morning I will find my sandwich on the table, just waiting for me next to the kettle.
e) I often take the right bus number, but in the wrong direction.
f) If you leave me in a parking lot, I may never find my way out of it.
g) I sometimes pray for stuff and ask for something and then completely forget about it.
h) I might talk to you about something and forget mid-sentence what it was that I wanted to tell you.

Please tell me that you somehow relate to this!

Anyway, I did have a point somewhere...

Where was it? Oh yes, about praying and forgetting about it. Well, I am very pleased to say that I have a Father who never forgets. The thing is that my life turns and winds really fast. So sometimes I get sidetracked, overwhelmed by other situations or just plain forget about it.

I had the dream of going back to university some day and finishing a career. I prayed for that about 3 years ago. I never thought it possible, so I gave up that dream. I got myself into an online course. I am almost finished, just need to take one class which requires German grammar and I serioulsy suck at written German grammar!
As I came to Germany, this was my dream. This was my prayer but a lot of things just happened and even though they were great and valuable lessons, they got me sidetracked. But God did not forget. I forgot that this was even a possibility, but God never forgot. I even forgot that I had asked my friends from church for a little extra help in prayer to say the right things at the right time so that I might get a little help with my other course. God didn't forget that either. And when God answers, He goes all the way!
I got a full scholarship for Business Management, I got free help to take my German grammar courses and on top, to assist me in paying for my current studies.

God is faithful. Even if we forget, He never does. So whenever I feel like God is going to forget me like I forget everything, I should read this post and remember that He is faithful all the way, always and when He answers long-forgotten prayers, He does it in the right time and place. And God answers prayers in abundance, never halfway.

Starting tomorrow, God is going to be on my checklist. Before I leave the house, I will pray that He guide me. I will pray that He takes care of me like He always has and that I never forget to turn off the stove or oven or something as dangerous and walk out. I will pray for my scatterbrains, even though I think they are useful, because then I have no choice but to depend completely on the Lord's mercy and grace.

Can you relate?

CONVERT! CONVERT!

Disclaimer: this entry might shock you, it might want to make you slap me and it most probably will change the way you see me so be warned. It's still early to change the page. If you are still interested in reading, go ahead. But know this, I told you so!

Ok I am gonna come right out and say it: I HATE GOING TO MOST CHURCHES! I hate the fake beatific smiles (like putting on a church mask). I hate the tone of just about every pastor and I hate more than anything when I have the feeling like they are going through the motions without them being really in love with God. I hate how they sometimes interpret the Bible to cater to their point of view and I particularly despise them trying to change me into something I am definitely not! I can't live up to the idea of "after today you must sin no more".

Ohhh that felt good!

I am a sinner. I sometimes choose to sin, knowing full well that I am doing this and I will probably change when it pretty well pleases ME. My relationship with God, however, is intimate. It is sometimes very active, sometimes I don't talk to God for weeks and sometimes I even get mad at God because I just don't get what He is doing! I often act like a brat. I see God as my Father, but not a generic one. I have a relationship that has taken many hits throughout its existence, and mostly through bible-thumping preachers! I won't change most of my habits just because a pastor sees my attitude unfit. I rather walk out and find God through my own means instead of in a church.

The reason why I am so much against many churches is that I have been through a lot of them and have actually fallen for a lot of their twisted psychology. That false belief I found many times has made me cold towards false "religion", but has made my conviction about God very strong. Unfortunately, after a bad experience, some of the most well intentioned pursuits of God end here.

BUT as you might have read above, I did not say I HATE GOING TO ALL CHURCHES. I said "MOST". There are the small little gems. There are the small communities of friends who welcome you honestly into their midst and you know that when the rest of your life is going to hell, you can find a listening ear, a friendly word or a hug in these little precious Grace-filled havens. These are God-filled. They don't even have to be adorned with saints and frescoes on every wall to be God-filled. I have the honor of belonging to one of these little gems. And even when I can't go to church every Sunday, they don't condemn me. They open their arms out and welcome the sinner, the broken one, the sick one, and they all pray for me. I even enjoy praying for them too! And more Christian than any Bible verse, any gospel, any song, any testimony, any preaching ever held on a pult, I love my brothers and sisters because before anything, they accept me and love me as a person. They don't preach, they show me God's love through actions. And this, my friends, is what I call home. I have lost count of how many times I have experienced God's mercy fall on me through their willing hands. It always makes my eyes mist up, just thinking about it. This is the Christian life!

I really feel sad for a lot of people who haven't found God because of well meaning christians who force them into conversion and they instead just run the other way. God is not in "the perfect recipe" to becoming a Christian, in the prefabricated prayer booklet to become a convert. God is not into thomping you on the head with a bible to memorize its verses and make you "understand God's ways". God is in the kind words, in the attitude of giving and loving everyone around us. God is in the little details. And if and when you are in front of a non-convert and you want them to listen to you, listen to them first and find a way, as a person, to be Christ-like and plant the seed of LOVE before you start reciting verses.
And for crying out loud, you are human too so stop condemning!! It's really not cool!

Please remember this: We come from all paths in life. Some lives have been full of unpleasant experiences. Some have been very protected. And everybody has their soft spot in a different place. So before you start with giving me a Christian mug, a bible, a booklet on getting started on a religion, a key chain and a fish to hang from my bumper, ask me where I come from and then you'll know how to approach me, if you listen hard enough. God knows the path straight to my heart and if you want me to convert, ask Him to reach me.

To all non-converted people reading this post, please know that there are little church gems out there. Don't give up on your search for God out of a few bad experiences! God is awesome, fake religion is not God, and not all Christians are fake verse-reciting robots.


Have you ever had anybody try to "convert" you into anything you are sure you won't live up to? I'm sure you have wild examples to embellish my post. How did you convert?

How much are you worth?

Ok ok I agree, I think I am venting on my blog about stuff that is not completely 100% Christian. But I think that is why I started blogging in the first place. I am writing a one-year journal about the stuff that happens to me and how I see it as a christian.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty yucky. I am fighting off 3 different infections, I am having some awful side effects which need even more medication and I had to work, take my kid to her gymnastics class, cook, go into the city to run an errand and then pick up my kid on the other side of town from her class. That meant being outside in the rain and cold for about 8 hours straight. And then I had to look pretty and be nice because my guy was coming over.

He knows that I am sick. Nobody is happy and shiny every day. And yesterday was certainly not my day at all!!! But what made it really fall apart was how it ended.

I was watching a movie on cable TV when he came over. I really wanted to watch this romantic chick flick while snuggling up in my sofa with a big warm blanket and forget the awful day I had just had. And even better, to cuddle up and just hang out with him. However, I was not planning on what my guy expected from me. He wanted me to be all over him and kiss him, entertain him, talk and be merry. I just didn't have the energy for that. So at some point he said he hated the damn movie, he wanted me to take care of him and I said no. And then he said "I think the money I gave out this week to come visit you was not worth it".

Because of a bad day, the whole effort of the week had gone down the drain. And on top, I felt like a cheap whore. In my ears, that rang dangerously like "The money I paid for your services was not worth it". And I am a tough kid. I have been called pretty much everything in the book of insults. I have deserved some. Some I have not. And for my boyfriend to make me feel like a cheap whore just because one night I felt like watching a movie just did me in. Of course, I kicked him out.

So I laid there last night wondering what I thought was my worth. Am I worth an insult? sometimes. Am I worth a lot of money? Maybe if you sell me by parts. Am I worth a little or a lot?
And then that little voice I often disregard told me "you are worth so much that I gave my life for you".

That sentence filled with so much meaning made me change my perspective. I am worth a lot more than he gives me credit for! I deserve my boyfriend to realize that I am the kid from Guatemala who has worked her ass off to be in Germany. I am the mother who has taken care of her kid almost single-handedly all of her life. I am the woman who has survived 12 surgeries and illness all of my life. I am worth a whole lot!! And I deserve a lot. And if he can't see that, then it's his short-sightedness. I am worth every penny. And I am even worth being introduced properly to his parents, but still, if he can't see that, then it's his loss. I'm proud of me and know my worth. Jesus came to save me, and that is what I'm worth! And that is pretty big for me.

Have you had anybody question or tell you your worth?

PS: I was just thinking of a post from Tamara Lunardo at http://deeperstory.com/whats-a-girl-worth
I am a big fan of her writing! Maybe you'll discover her too?

A goth goes into a church....

...And immediately you think that this is definitely going to be a bad joke.

There was this person I met once at a church back home. He was really tall, had his eyes painted with black eyeliner, his ears pierced more than mine, pentagrams dangling from his neck, spiked bracelets, his clothes were all black, his shirt depicted some horrible satanic album cover and he had tattoos everywhere where the sun hit his skin. He looked fierce!

You could tell he felt like a sore finger, sitting between the flower dresses and the colorful sweaters. You could tell he felt really out of place. But he stayed through the whole service. After about 2 hours of a whole congregation staring at him more than the pastor, he decided to accept God as his savior and he walked to the front. It was a great moment! I will never forget the sight of the goth kneeling in front of the pastor. Even kneeling he looked bigger and a lot more menacing than our preacher.

We will fast forward to about 5 years later.
I saw the goth again. He had come to visit and had brought some prostitutes with him as well. Needless to say, the people sitting around them felt uncomfortable. None of them fit in with the normal Sunday dress code.
But Goth had a lot more awesome in store! He had come to tell us his testimony and what he had been up to all that time since he had converted. He still had tattoos everywhere, wore the same piercings, but he had a simple black shirt on. His hair was cut back, actually fitting his style but it was clean. He looked like somebody very happy in his own skin. He glowed and didn't exude the fierceness that had impressed me before.
He told us that he had gone back to that part of the city where not many people dared to go, but since he was such a big guy, nobody messed with him. He told us how he quit magic to serve God. He told us about how his drug-addict friends one by one accepted Jesus. How he started preaching to the prostitutes and transvestites in his neighborhood and they also accepted Jesus. He talked about how no normal preacher would understand the "subculture". But he was one of them. He was known and respected. He was the perfect servant to God. He was the perfect vessel to connect and understand and share God with the people who needed Him the most. Sorry, but the joke was on us. This goth had more God in him than many people who had been born in a Christian home.

When Jesus hung out with people, they were not the clean and normal. They were the damaged. They were the prostitutes and the goths, the homeless, the sick, the prisoners and the outcasts. But he had a point and a purpose. Jesus didn't see with our eyes. He did not see the tattoos or the piercings, the hairstyles or brand of clothing. He saw what really matters: the heart. Since we brought Jesus up, let's talk about how the King of Kings was not born in a castle. Let's talk about how He wore plain clothes and learned to craft wood instead of having a multitude of servants robe him in gold. Talk about misconceptions! Jesus couldn't care less about looking sharp, He just cared that the people who surrounded him had a willing heart, a heart ready to follow Jesus and give back the love that they received.

Now, as mere humans, we are prone to a lot of instinctual preconceptions of others. But we can learn to see with the eyes of Grace. We can learn to read people by their actions. Just like it says in Matthew 7:16: By their fruit you will recognize them.

Ever since I got to know the goth, every time I sit in a bus at night and look at people, I see that God loves them too. I see that they are in as much need of Him as I am. I have no idea what they are going through but I don't judge people by what I think looks pretty on them anymore. The most scary looking guy might just be the next Godsent! Why should I be judging them as inferior? Never judge a book by its cover.

Have you had an encounter with somebody who has totally shot your misconceptions out the window? Tell me about it!

The Cheshire Cat

I just recently got back in touch with somebody we will call "The Cheshire Cat" (aka Cat). Cat is, by the way, a male cat and I gave him this name because he has the very amusing quality of disappearing into thin air every once in a while and reappearing seemingly out of the blue. He also has the ability to leave me all ruffled up inside every time we cross paths.

Well, this time I chose to look for the Cat, not knowing if my endeavour would bring him forth or not. And surprisingly, he reappeared and we had some of the best conversations I have had in a very long time. Somehow, he knows things about me that even I had forgotten. He knows my flaws and my strengths and despite everything, he likes me!! Cat makes me look at situations under a different light. I guess that is his purpose in my life. Cat's destined to ruffle me up and make me realize that I can go farther, do more and be more than I give myself credit for. I don't know if the Cat will be available to talk tonight or next week, but I sure am learning a lot from him and his natural insight. I hope he stays around for a while. I don't care how long he's staying. I won't be mad when he leaves again, just as long as he says goodbye before he goes.

Looking back, I am amazed at the effect that the words of my friends have had in my life. We sometimes underestimate the craft every person has to weave in their pattern into the cloth that is our lives, and this can be really cool and colorful. I have had friends who come and stay friends for a few weeks, they teach me some good lesson, and then go on their own paths. Others have come into my life and stayed with me through all possible situations and remained friends to this day. Some others just taught me how not to be a friend. From each of them I have learned so much and I am grateful for all of their colorfulness.

My sister said to me once 'there are friends for a season, for a reason and for a lifetime'. I get that now. It's not worth fighting against when it's time to part from these teachers, then someday we might cross paths again, if the reason or season is right.

Thanks for the inspiration Mr. Cheshire Cat. See you sooner or later!

Am I your dirty little secret?

Today I went from the 'sweet kissy kissy girlfriend' to the 'bashing your head in with my purse monster' in about 2 minutes. I think that was my personal best time!

What brought on this quite sudden change in my otherwise such amicable personality? It just came up in the conversation. The fact that I feel like I am not being taken seriously. When I am with somebody, I want them to be proud of it. I want my friends, family, co-workers and partner to think that it's really cool to be seen with me, that we are in some way close and that they think it's cool to be close to me.

That is why it hurts me when my boyfriend, who I have been with on and off since 2010, hasn't even told his parents that we are together. He has never introduced me to his friends either. He won't even change his Facebook status because it's nobody's business. It makes me really sad and insecure, like I am not worth being shown off. I think I have so much to offer, I'm a relatively good person, smart, and maybe I'm not so gorgeous but I can't be that ugly either. I just don't get it! Is he ashamed of me? Am I his dirty little secret? Why?

However, I got a little secret of my own. There is someone I do the same thing to. I only talk to him in the dark, when nobody is watching or listening. We go to our little secret place together and I don't tell anybody about it. It's nobody's business. When people around me trash talk Him, I don't say anything. When people have a different opinion, I don't come out of the closet and proclain to all that I love God. I just sit there and shut up and pretend I don't know Him sometimes, when it's not cool to be a Christian. I treat Him like my dirty little secret!!

Is that loving God at all? Is that the way to love anybody at all?

I realize I am not much different from my boyfriend. I act ashamed of God, the creator of the universe, the stars, this whole planet and everything living, down to the smallest atom. Although He is... beyond words to describe how awesome He is, I still lack the balls to show Him off to the people around me.

I can only say I know how He feels when I do that to Him. If I were in God's shoes, I would slap me in the face and close the pearly gates on me.

Do you treat somebody as your little secret?

Intermittent

Hi, I restarted my blog now that I realized I do have a lot of things to say. Some have been inspired by others, some by the mere coincidence of a functioning brain and a situation that has made my neurons work overtime.

I wanted to start this blog with something witty or interesting, some catchy phrase, some really funny story. However, I think blogging should be downright honest and what is on my mind today is something that I assume every Christian confronts in their life as believers. Katy Perry sings it well when she says "'Cause you're hot and you're cold, you're yes and you're no, you're in and you're out you're up and you're down". That kinda describes my relationship with God very well! And unfortunately this is a low phase.

What is wrong? I am doing great, and when I do great, I forget to be grateful. I also forget to be humble and give thanks to those who prayed for me when the going was tough and things looked pretty messed up. But then, when I am really sick or worried sick, I turn and pray like crazy. Hypocrite me!

This year, one of my 12 resolutions was to pray more often and read more into being in a relationship with God. I wanted to read the whole bible, pray for an hour a day, listen to Christian music, the whole works! The first 3 days, I totally missed out on fulfilling my three-hour-a-day Christian marathon. Then our pastor sent the weekly newsletter, very appropriately talking about the famous New Year's Resolutions, and it hit me, like DUUUH! Like when you're doing math and just don't get it and then for a moment your brain turns on and you see the answer right before you. Of course, you HAVE to start small! You have to start by resolving within you to give baby steps and build toward a higher goal. So what is the higher goal? I have no idea anymore. I just wanna start with reading the Bible for a few minutes, take a daily step towards God and his awe-inspiring truth.

So this year I have started off with reading a devotional. Sounds pretty easy, right? Yeah, and then I'll be moving on to ruling the world!!!

What are your New Year's resolutions? Are they baby steps or ambitious plans to rule the world too?