...And then the miracles start to happen...

It's funny how a simple tought on a word or a sentence can keep my head busy for days at a time. The trigger words for me have been "answered prayers". And I can't take all the credit on this one because there were a lot of people involved in the series of miracles I call my life.

Most of all, I have to thank my family because no matter how far apart we are, the spiritual bond that unites us couldn't be stronger. Mom's worries are my worries and my problems affect her too, even though we live in opposite sides of the planet. Their prayers and faith cut through any distance and show me that whenever two get together to pray (even through skype), miracles are bound to happen.

Second, and quite important too, I want to mention my church. These are real friends that make things happen through their willing hands. Not only do they pray (and their words have immense power), they actually care and DO things to make the wonders come to life. And when you put that together, the miracles do start to happen.

I have lost count of the sheer mass of answered prayers that God has made happen so far. I really think that He has a pretty awesome plan for Nora and me. And this is also the reason why I am still alive after 12 surgeries. Somebody asked me this week if I was worried about the future, about being homeless and having even more surgeries. I just smiled and knew in my heart of hearts that God has already got this covered, even since before I was born. His time to answer prayers is really far from my concept of good timing. But this will also have a happy ending.

I do have to warn you, though. God is not a Father who lets us do everything we want without suffering the consequences. He may sometimes even say no, or not yet. And this is for our own good. He knew best why you couldn't go on the vacation you wanted and then found out that the plane you wanted to book had crashed into the ocean. Or He said no to the job you had so fervently applied for, just to find out a few weeks later that the business had gone belly up and everybody had been fired.

I encourage you to pray. Pray for yourself or somebody close to you. Accept it when things don't go the way you want them to go. Sometimes something even better is in store for you. Let me pray for you, whatever the situation is, wherever you are. And then I promise you, the miracles will start to happen!

Blessing in disguise

Back in 2010, I had almost all my life under control (or so I thought). I had a job, financial security, an apartment, my kid, Nora, was doing ok in school. I had nice collegues. I was in control and happy about it. I had no need to go to church. I was mastering life!

But life has a way of throwing you to the curve in a matter of moments when you least expect it.

One day late Spring, I went swimming with Nora. We got out of the water and I turned around to hand her a towel. In that moment, my kneecap popped out of the socket and I broke the femur from the fall. The fall caused a rip on most of the tendons of my left knee and I could not feel my toes. I had nerve damage. I had to have surgery immediately, after having to go through all the tests humanly available.

I remember looking up at the doctors and nurses before the operation. I was so scared, cold and in such pain that every part of my body was shaking. The scariest part of all was having to give up control and be completely vulnerable on an operating table, not knowing if the doctor was going to do a good job or leave me crippled for life.

I had to be in a wheelchair for at least 3 months before finding out if the operation had been a succes. The pain was unbearable during recovery and worst of all, I had had a bad reaction to the pain killers. So nothing could ease the pain for a longer period of time. On top of that, I had no friends or family to take care of us. So it was either oven pizza or ramen soup for us girls to eat. Nora made the food. I would only eat once a day because Nora would eat cereal for breakfast and have lunch in school. I had also recently found out that somebody else had been already hired to take over my job. And my finances were starting to look bad. I had no money left in my savings account. I was all alone in my misery, having to take care of my little one on my own and bear this ordeal with a smile.

I remember 3 weeks after surgery, I was laying on the sofa in the middle of the night, barely breathing so as not to cause any part of my body to move, sweating, shaking with pain. My leg was so swollen that even touching any part of my thigh would send a lightning of pain in all directions. I had not slept for days and was sinking fast into the bottomless pit of despair.

So I lay there and the only thing that went through my mind was "GOD I can't do this anymore. I can't do this by myself. Please help me." That was my first prayer in years. If you know intense pain, you know what it feels like to want to die. That night, I really wanted to just stop breathing and give up the fight. At some point after crying my eyes out, I fell asleep filled with exhaustion, sadness and desperation.

The next day, I woke up to the sound of the telephone. It was my mom in law. We hadn't spoken to each other in weeks. She was calling because she wanted to bring food, cook for us and help me out by cleaning up the apartment. A few days later my nanny called to ask me if I needed anything from the supermarket. Then the next day, a friend asked me if I needed help in anything else. And he came over and did my laundry. I saw him take out the trash and realized that THAT was precisely what I had prayed for that night when I was ready to give up. As it became clear to me, I broke into tears of gratefulness. Now I am sure that God was sitting next to me, He was suffering all those nights right there with me in my living room. God was waiting patiently until I asked for His help. And His powers began just as mine were depleted.

Our relationship began when I was broken. God did not wait for me to be free of sin and in perfect health to come into my life. God is a gentleman who waits at the door until He is invited in.

I was motivated to walk again and things, although really difficult, became somehow manageable. With the help of the people around us, we somehow survived round one.

And then came round two, the operation on the other knee. I did everything in my power to control the outcome. I cleaned the house, did a huge grocery list and prepared for the following feat. And then on the night before when everything in my power was done, came the doubts, the worries, the fear of the oncoming pain and recovery, the memory of the exact same thing happening a few months ago, the horrors repeating themseves, the full knowledge of what was going to happen next, having to give up control and be vulnerable and in huge amounts of pain all. over. again.

The next morning I was in the same operating room, the same doctors hovered around. My body was shaking with dread and I closed my eyes. I prayed: "God please don't let anything bad happen during this operation!"
And then I heard a voice calling my name. I saw an angel standing next to me and his face was kind. He said: "Don't worry Maria, you are not alone in this room. WE are here to giude the hands of the surgeons. Everything will be ok. Rest and be at peace."

I fell asleep and woke up again with lots of pain. I knew this would happen. I was mentally prepared for this. But not for what the doctors said next: "Ms. L," they said, "the operation went even better than we thought. Your recovery time will be less than half of last time and we were able to correct all the ligaments on your knee." I knew God was there too, next to me in that hospital room, cheering.
You see, God is never far away from those who seek Him truly. No matter where we are in our lives, He comes and meets us in our time of need, at our lowest, when we shake our fist up to heaven and ask where He is. When there is nothing left in this world to console us, then there is God.

When I look back, I am really grateful for having had those surgeries. Life was not great at all, not without God in it. And having had a break from the whole world, having to dig deep into who and what I was, was a real eye-opener. It removed the clutter and brought to light the things that are really important.
Prayer is important, it moves people and makes things fall into place.
Friendships are important, God may work though others to help us out.
Family is important, so we can recharge our batteries with their love and care.
And faith is important, because without it, we have no hope for anything good in the future.

This was my blessing in disgiuise. This was the new beginning, the baby steps toward a supernatural life. Have you had a blessing in disguise too?

The true meaning of "Conversion"

According to the Farlex dictionary, the word Conversion means:

1. To change (something) into another form, substance, state, or product; transform

2. To change (something) from one use, function, or purpose to another; adapt to a new or different purpose.

And exactly that is what I have noticed is happening to me right now. I have been a Christian for the past 18 years. I am just now a convert in Christ.

It all started at the beginning of Lent, when I decided that I could only do so much by myself and I was going to give up my need for self control and give God the reins over my life. I started noticing little things like I did not feel like saying cuss words. It did not come out of me naturally. I didn't feel like listening to music like Lady Gaga, but was hungry for praise and worship. Depraved thoughts didn't have a place in my mind either. I woke up in the middle of the night with a huge need to talk to God, and although I know that He knows what is going on, I really needed to tell Him and pray about stuff.

All of a sudden, things outside of my reach and control started to happen too. I got my paperwork for the move almost in order, I got even more than I bargained for! I asked God if He wanted me to stay or go somewhere else, but whatever it was, I just wanted to know that He was blessing the decision. And sure enough, things started to go right. People I barely had contact with, started to come out of the woodwork and offered to help with the move. Things I never thought of, God had in His mind and that worked out fine as well.

I have been praying like crazy. I kinda know that God likes me on my knees and talking to Him about my stuff. But it's definitely not in my nature to do this! It does not congrue with my personality at all. I want to go to service, feed on the Word of God. And normally, I hate soft music but I come to total peace while listening to worship songs. I know that a change in me is starting to take place and it finally feels like I am doing what I was meant to do. The Spirit in me has transformed me, changed my functioning, adapted me for another purpose. God does the work when we allow it.

About the Women's Ministry, I am sure that I don't need a doctorate in anything. I just need to say what God wants me to say and do what He puts in my heart. This is the true reason why He has let me have such deep insight into so many different things. And because of this change, I know that this is all with His blessing. I would never come up with this spiritual transformation, I wouldn't have the strength to change so many things at once. I wouldn't even come up with this stuff!! But it feels really good to be transformed and have a different purpose in life. Now all those worship songs kinda make sense!

I am loving every second of life. For the first time ever. Even if there are difficulties on the road, it has never been so beautiful to walk this earth! And this is coming from somebody who got off prozac in january.

Have you had such a radical conversion? Would you like to?

Applying to be a servant

I have been reading about spiritual gifts and things we can do to serve God. Having spiritual superpowers is awesome. I wanna have some too!! But the truth is, as much as I have been doing to find a home in this world, I have totally neglected my duties for my heavenly home. And even worse, I can't remember when I last took those chores seriously. So I can't honestly think that God will give me spiritual gifts if He can't trust me to do the little things, like go to church on Sundays, right? I might be homeless in Heaven too, at this rate!

Several people in different churches and at different times in my life have told me that God has a plan for me to build a ministry for women, with women. And I have been really scared to even get started. I have prayed about it. I have also read up a lot on the subject. But I have totally caved in when the time has come to DO something about it. The reason for this is weakness of faith.

I feel totally undeserving of such a huge deal. And this is the reason why I want to apply to my Father's house, to be the smallest and most meaningless of His servants. I want to do the litte chores and work my way up to pleasing the Lord with everything I do, say and am.

Since I gave up my will for Lent, things have become much clearer and the path a whole lot less complicated. God has a good plan for me and I want to follow it. I long to hear His command. And this is why I am proud to be His servant. Even if it means washing someone's feet.

How to survive going through hell and come back in one piece

As you might have thought, just by reading the title, things are looking up a lot this week. For this, I praise the Lord. And my friends, I thank you for your prayers and kind words. You are awesome!

So as to prove that I was listening to all your advice, I shall list the things that you very wisely recommended, just in case someone goes through hell, they can have the map back to reality.

1) EAT, DRINK ENOUGH AND THE RIGHT STUFF, SLEEP.
You know, whenever you are down, you go for the "comfort food" and then you feel guilty that you ate the whole contents of your fridge. Then you feel really sick (and fat) after eating fish and capuccino ice cream during the same meal. Well, STOP. Eat balanced foods, drink enough, rest your body. After all, you are a human being and you need this for your brain to figure out how to get you out of this mess.

2) SPORTS
I really should point a finger at myself, but to my defense, I do walk a whole lot, since I don't own a car. Anyway, try to get your mind off of things and take a walk, go to the gym, meet up with buddies and play a sport. Or just turn on the wii and ignore this entry... up to you!

3) STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF!
You are responsible for your thoughts, and consequently, your moods and actions. If you think productive, you do productive. So stop hammering yourself down! You'll get through this. I bet it's not the first rough patch of your lifetime. And sorry to give it to ya when you're down, but it's most probably not gonna be your last (that is, if you survive this ordeal!!).

4) TURN UP THE MUSIC!
I have found it to be very interesting how playing ONE trance tune can make me go from happy sappy to mama monster! It works the other way around too. Play something you know will get you in a good mood. Shake your bonbon, sing out loud. Even if at first you have to force yourself, you will soon notice that the music will change your mood into something more positive.

5) YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT ALONE!
So why do you feel like you have to carry the burden all by yourself? Nobody is completely alone in this world. So look up your family, your friends, your church leaders. Remember that to solve your problem, sometimes two heads think better than one. And please, look for people who are also positive, balanced, happy, good influences. This might sound evil and rude, but you don't need somebody to grab on to your neck when you yourself are drowning in a pit of misery and despair. You need somebody to pull you out (and at some point slap some sense into you).

6) LIKE I SAID, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
Just let me hammer this one in a bit more. God is with you ALL THE TIME. So stop picking your nose, will ya? Just kidding, or maybe not...
Ok let's just say that you gotta pray to God so that He can show you the way. Meditate, listen to Him talk to you. Listen to others because they might be God's working hand. Fill your cup with God, however it is that you seek Him.

7) TAKE TIME OFF
Seriously, if you don't give your head a rest, it might explode! Take an afternoon off and just get your mind off of things. Surely, your problems will not go away, nor will they grow bigger if you take your mind off them for a morning or an afternoon. This will keep your sanity a few days longer. Besides, the time off might give you a little perspective.

8) PLANNING MAKES PERFECT
Make your plans, set small, achievable goals to overcome your difficulty and celebrate each achievement like it's a big deal. Really, you should give yourself that pat on the back for making it so far!! You go, tiger!! You can do this!!

9) HELP OTHERS
One thing that has always made me feel better is when I go out and make somebody's day. Go out and seek someone you can make happy or simply help in some way. Not only will you be feeling great about it, you are paving the road to a great friendship! Who knows when you might need a helping hand? And the distraction from being off the center stage is awesome.

10) LEARN FROM THE EXPERIENCE
Buddhists are in many ways very wise people. They say that experiences are not of positive or negative nature, but that these experiences teach us small or great lessons. Be of a grateful nature and admit that there were good things along the way, even though the going was tough. For example, you just came out of this big mess with a lot of wisdom and a tougher character. See? You learned a great lesson so it can't all be that bad.

You're welcome.

All is vanity

It's dark and cold outside.
I lay in my bed.
A million thoughts going through my head.
All I have built with my bare hands
can crumble into the sand in a heartbeat.

Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro: He bustles about, but only in vain; he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it. (Psalm 39:6)
Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 2:11)

I look out the window into the dark, feeling empty inside.
All the time I have wasted in worrying about the things I can't control.

What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun? (Ecclesiastes 1:3)


I feel so small and vulnerable. I have nothing to show, I am nothing.
I get on my knees.
My tears roll down my face
I cry from the deepest pit of my heart of hearts.

God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.(Acts 17:27)

But I know God likes this.
He likes to see me on my knees, depending, praying, seeching Him,
wanting Him, reaching out in all sincerity like the helpless child that I am.
And thereis a promise...

Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be. (Job 8:7)

I kneel in humility as it dawns.
It dawns inside of me too.
I am empty because things of this world don't fill the need.
Only my Father.

O come, let us worship and bow down - Let us worship him by bowing down; by prostrating ourselves before him (Psalm 95:6)

I am gladly nothing, I am gladly empty if it means that He is everything to me, that He fills me.
Everything without God is dust and fog: vain, empty, fleeting, tasteless and void

I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.(Ecclesiastes 1:14)


I want,
more than anything just to follow my Father. I want to hold His hand.
I want to be an obedient child and to know He is with me at all times,
then this is comfort. Nothing else comforts me.

Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.(Psalm 9:10)


This was a very private prayer I experienced within me when things were looking their darkest not so long ago. But God was never far away.

If you put your life into God's perspective, things that might worry you and seem huge and take up your whole sight might seem very trivial and meaningless. Let God take control.

My little white dove

My child is the person I look up to the most.
She lives in a world of fables, and she is the host.
She's surrounded by glitter, fairies, beautiful dresses,
giants, witches, spells and girls with long golden tresses.

She dreams of things like far away lands,
And she builds elven castles with her little hands.
My girl paints a world full of magic and fairy tales.
She embarks on her ship and to her dreams she merrily sails.
My little lady believes in things like bravery,
honor, truth, kindness, honesty and chivalry.
All the good qualities that people possess
she expects them of herself, and nothing less.

Some of the things I admire the most about her little mind
are that above everything else, to all she is kind,
She never worries about tomorrow,
and she never sleeps with a heart full of sorrow.

She is such a sweet child, so innocent and pure.
Any bad thing that could happen to her I couldn't endure.
Then she is my angel, my joy, my love,
my one and only, my little white dove.