Brokenness

I was looking at all my thrift store furniture and realized that somebody once thought these pieces I treasure so much were "trash". They were not good enough anymore. And worst, some things were left on the sidewalk, left to the elements, to be thrown away, worthless. One of these things is a very old picture frame I rescued a few weeks ago. At some point, the glass must have cracked so someone pronounced it broken and got rid of it. And that gave me a chance to become creative and make something new out of the old and broken. 

Does this remind you of something, of someone?

There is an artist I know, we'll just call Him the Potter. He told me that we are like clay in His hands. When we come to Him, we are nothing but chips and pieces, worthless heaps of junk, just waiting to become fabulous, awe-inspiring works of art. The Potter takes the clay and places it in the center of the wheel, and the clay resists at every turn. It falls off center, it hurts His hands with its roughness. But the Potter always has patience because he in his mind already konws the outcome. He knows that this heap needs a little grace, some patience, a dab of color, a while in the oven. This is not easy or pleasant for the clay. But then, when the masterpiece is revealed, its worth increases, and somebody looks at it and pays an incredible price for this unique piece of art. 

How I want to be like this masterpiece! Someone paid for it and now He'll put something special and valuable into this receptacle. 

We should all be glad for our brokenness because without it, we would not be unique nor maleable enough to become something even more special.

Little voice vs. Loud noise. Which shall prevail?

In a world where we are so driven to move fast, to stay connected, up to date and informed about every frivolous trivial detail possible, it is hard to listen to the inner voice a lot of times. Our attention lapse for really important matters seems to not be more than a week before the news gets old and we move on to the next new shiny thing in our way. This is modern life.

I had been spending every night going to bed exhausted and waking up at 3:00 am with only one thought in my mind: I had to pray to find THE apartment for us. Not just AN apartment, but one where we could feel at home and had the nice things we wanted. There was a compelling little voice inside of me saying "wait for it", "pray for it", "be patient". But in my day to day madness, I forgot about my prayers and concentrated on doing the footwork. I called a dozen real estate agencies, got turned down by all of them. I called private apartment owners, got turned down too. The deadline was drawing nearer every day and I was just dreading what would happen if...

...And then I prayed some more...

On midnight, on the 3rd of this month, I saw it. THE apartment! It was perfect, just 3 Euro and 4 square meters below the limit stated by the job center. It had 2 bedrooms and that had been my dream since I had Nora, to finally have a room for myself! This was the sign I had been waiting for. And every time I thought about it, I had to utter a silent prayer so that we could get it.

Definitely my time is not God's time to do things. But they get done just the same.

I got the apartment. Now I am waiting for the contract. But in faith, I have already set the date for the move to be on the 1st. I know God won't leave me hanging, so I lay here and pray a little more, not begging but thanking Him for the things we are going to have, for that which He has provided already. My heart pours out in thankfulness. I cry. But my tears are of joy and gratefulness.

I am not an orphan anymore. I never will be an orphan again. I have a Father who gives with His hands wide open. He gives in measures not known to man. He is the Lord of abundance. And I am His child, listening to the little voice that tells me to quiet down, listen and pray. He sent me doctors to build me new knees. It's like I know He wants me to get down on them, use them, receive His blessing for it.

What guides you through life? The big lights and loud noises or the little voice inside?

Stripped and polished

I finally found a tiny apartment on the other side of town. And I love it!!! But it has a few downsides to it, since it's under the roof. We won't be homeless at the end of the month and I have had a landslide of creative ideas on how to optimize space and comfort. But I will have to invest in it a lot. Soon, you might want to see my youtube page, to check out the progress on the place!

In preparation for the new place, I went to an antiques store to look for furniture and ideas. I was in the darkest corner of the shop, where they had all the old stuff one on top of the other, in a very dirty back room and saw a beautiful 18th century desk. It had gorgeous floral details underneath a very ugly layer of laque. It had water marks, a few dents and the locks were in disrepair. I really wished I had the money to buy that desk and restore it to its original beauty.
And then, I remembered a story a very dear friend had told me a few years ago. His wife loved going to second hand stores and garage sales and she loved the old repainted furniture the most. After she peeled off the layers of glittery paint and the odd colors of different decades, she came down to the bare wood. And that was the best part. She loved the colors, swirls, lines and imperfections of the natural wood underneath.

Stripping the paint off isn't easy, it is a lot of hard work!

A few years ago, I wrote a post about the first one-on-one prayer with God. I (foolishly) asked Him to remove from my life everything that took my attention away from Him. Needless to say, I got my wish too. At that point in 2010, I was sitting in a wheelchair, not working, lost my friends, had no money and no family here other than my precious little kid. Basically I had nothing.

I was stripped, bare to the soul and very empty.

I empathized a lot with that old desk today. I am now glad that I made that prayer and that God has taken me out of the shop, like the desk, and paid a high price for me. He has taken the time to strip me of my fake colors, of the ugly laque and has put a lot of effort into making me into the masterpiece He wants me to be.

Honestly, I think I still need a lot of repair. But I am grateful for the pain and loneliness of getting stripped to the grain. I am glad He did it now. I can look at myself in the mirror and appreciate what a wonderful job He has done so far.

Too quick to judge

I have been looking for inspiration for my entry this past week and I seem to be circling around one particular thing that keeps popping up every day: judgement.

To tell you the truth, I do it too. If I see a guy with a weird look in his face holding a knife, you bet I will run the other way screaming. That is an extreme case, though. But what about the subtle little ways we judge people every day? Because they are ugly, fat, stupid, wear ugly clothes, have little money, have a lisp....

I won't paint it pretty, the market for overweight, unemployed, single moms is rather... ok non-existent! But what about my kid? She is a beautiful, sweet, timid and sporty girl. She has it hard too. Nobody is free of judgement.

I get it that people feel safe when they can give things a name and put them securely in a drawer. I get it that it saves a lot of time and effort to not see things as an individuum but as a group.

I unfortunately (FOR NOW) belong to a very unpopular group of people with no income and am still looking for an apartment. I was told by a complete stranger today that I am crippling society. And that we foreigners should go back to our countries instead of living off of Germany. On top of that, she said that she would not even bother to contact the landlady who had an apartment because she didn't want to "inconvenience her with someone like me". THOSE WERE HER WORDS EXACTLY! I know, I am still in shock!

But I forgive her because she made a mistake. She doesn't know me or the circumstances. She doesn't know what to expect of me personally. But maybe she had a bad experience with somebody else before and is seeing the "problem" staring her in the face again. She put me in the drawer of the "undesirable customers". This could hurt if I took it personally, but...

Fortunately for me, I have a pair of magic glasses I can put on in the morning. And when I see people through these glasses, I can look in detail and find that a person is sad, angry, disappointed. Not at me, but at their situation or experiences and they lash out. I see that that girl on the next block is not a whore, but a child who needs a lot of love because she never got it outside a bed. I see the angry man in the car who is frustrated. He isn't angry at me for crossing the street, he just had a hard day at work and really wants to go home. I am not mad at the lady at the shop who treated me like crap. Her boss chewed her out in front of everybody else a few minutes ago.
These magical glasses are called GRACE.

The one thing that stops hate and bad vibes on their tracks is love. That is why Jesus said to love one another.
It is not normally in my nature to be this nice. But I feel good when I know that I am not perpetuating hate.

I am trying to teach Nora to look beyond the insults too. School can be a pretty hard place to survive, even if you are perfect and beautiful. Some kids make fun of her, they shove, slap, kick and are generally mean to my little one. But she has to see also that for some kids, this is what they get at home too. What can you expect from little boys who see that their mom gets slapped around? Or are usually screamed at instead of talked to?

There are many drawers we can put people into. I choose to look through the glass of grace into the details. Only then can I choose to put someone in the drawer of "friends" or "diplomatic acquaintances" or even "serial killer with axe".

Have you ever put someone in a drawer and noticed that they were totally not what they looked like at first glance?