Current job description: survival specialist!

I connected with someone from my past on Facebook a few days ago. She will be coming to Germany this week and I have been very excited since then. I can't wait to see my old classmate. I can't wait to get her up to date on the past decade of my life!

But then, insecurity starts to gnaw at my conscience. I start wondering what it is that I will tell her. I want her to be awed. I want to feel proud of all my accomplishments. But the truth is, there is not much to tell. My story since I graduated from high school: I escaped to Germany, had a daughter, got married but my marriage went down the drain in a matter of 2 years. I have tried to study, failed, tried again, failed, worked my butt off, got laid off, got sick, got better, survived 12 surgeries, depression and various hormone treatments, and am currently looking for a job to get out of debt.

As I picture her, I imagine the very first question coming naturally out of her lips: '-so what are you doing now?' Will the answer suffice? -"I am doing my best. I am surviving". She's a successful professional, happily married, beautiful woman. And I? I'm a mom, unemployed, broke and with no titles, just a lot of raw talent and guts (and a big gut!). Maybe she is not all the good things I imagine her to be. Maybe she has had her struggles too and her life isn't as uncomplicated as I imagine it to be.

I don't envy her at all though.

Here's the thing. I haven't achieved much that you can put on a resume. I have grown inside, developed talents for other things that are not academic, such as compassion, faith, gratefulness, resourcefulness, creativity and making food last till the end of the month. I have matured, I have learned to cope with a lot of things, I have had to struggle and fight for every day I have been here. It was my choice to come. It wasn't my choice to suffer. But I would not change any of it. Because no degree in any university can teach me how to survive and grow in the face of need. Nor will it ever replace the beautiful friendships I have made along the way. I know each and every person I call "friend" is worth more than any money I could ever put in a bank account.

And the gratefulness for this recognition makes me think that we have both gone very separate ways in life. I am not any less just because I was taught in the campus of real life. I also have a degree. Here's my title: SINGLE MOM. And every time I look at my little, beautiful, happy, smart kid, I am just as proud of it as anybody would be of their Harvard degree.

Not finding the positive side yet...

I have suffered a thousand little deaths this past month, every time I had to say no to my little one, when she asked for something in the supermarket or to go out anywhere other than the park. I have laid in bed and wondered what it is that I am doing wrong. I have changed plans over and over. I have prayed for the right plans. I have even cried in front of others. If you know me, you would know that crying to me in particular is as welcome an idea as chewing off my arms. But my desperation right now is so deep, more than ever so heartfelt.

I think I have lost faith in a better life because life has never been extremely kind to me. But I have to say that every good thing that happens is duly celebrated and cherished. I still wonder why God wanted us to learn to live in poverty. Is it trust? Is it faith? What is the goal of this precise exercise?

One of Nora's friends from school came up to me one day at the beginning of the month and asked me if it was true that we get our clothes from the church. And I was ashamed. How did I get here? How could things spiral so far out of control? How come things were going so well one moment and the next I am begging for 10 bucks to make it through the week? 

Nora's gestures are what brings me to tears every time. Yesterday, she went to the bank and asked the clerk to open up her piggy bank  so that she could buy me an ice cream. She sat there counting her little fortune and was willing to share it with me. She never argues, she never complains. She's my little hero!

I want to stop fighting for survival. I want to be debt-free. I want to offer Nora a few little extravagances every once in a while, like eating ice cream or going to the movies. I am very close to throwing away my plans for studying and getting a job, any job, just to come out of this horrible rut.

I don't need a shrink. I need a chance, a real job. And 10 bucks to make it through the week...

A glimpse into a supernatural lifestyle

I am selfish. Seriously, compared to other people, I might seem really nice and all. But the people around us taught me that I can go a few notches higher. The guys and girls from the Living Room asked for nothing in return and helped me move. I knew some of the people who helped us move just from seeing them in church but we had never talked, and they were there bright and early and with such a radiant attitude! Honestly, if you had asked me a month ago, I would not have done the same for any of them if I had been presented the opportunity. Of course, now I would gladly give back!!

They asked for nothing in return either when I had no food and they filled my fridge with not just food, but hope. And it's really funny because every time I looked into the fridge, I dreaded and thought "oh no, I am not going to have enough to make for lunch" and then miraculously, it was enough for one meal. And so it went on for a WHOLE WEEK!!! These guys are living like I always imagined it was with the apostles. When one had, he shared with the one who didn't have, and the latter felt just as worthy as the first. And they lacked nothing, especially not encouragement and friendship. 

There is such a powerful lesson here that I can't think about it without getting all teary-eyed. The Supernatural lifestyle I had been praying for is all around me, surrounding me and I am able to see, recognize, appreciate and enjoy it! WOW!!! It has to do with giving with open hands. It will all come back to you with interests.

It's how you see things that really determines how you enjoy and appreciate your life. I can see things happen and call it "fate", "destiny", "my doing". But I choose to see the awe and wonder of prayers and inner cries being answered and giving God the credit for it. I am by absolutely no means rich, but wealthy in every aspect. I have been on the receiving end for enough time and now my heart longs to give back, to share with whoever is in need. My heart is pouring with gratitude.

If I can sum up what it is that I have learned these past few weeks, it's this: 

You are happiest when you give to those in need with open hands. And those who receive will rejoice in God because maybe the simplest gesture is God-inspired and the answer to somebody's prayer.

I encourage you to give like the people from the Living Room. It doesn't have to be money either. It can be a word of comfort or inspiration, a smile, a helping hand, a listening ear or a simple (delicious, loving, solidary, friendly, consoling) hug. It has changed my life and it will change yours too when you see the fruit of what God has planted in the hearts of people all around you.