Of the rich, the poorest and of the poor, the richest...

Yesterday I shared a little bit about my life in Guatemala with some of the girls from church. And they were rather surprised. I told them that I come from a good family, a solid name, a home with wealth and prestige. And I hated that life very much. Along with being "a famous name" came a lot of responsibility and expectations. In one of my previous posts, I told you how my sister talked to me about having a clean name and reputation, and how it has definitely inspired many of my every-day decisions in life, to be responsible of being someone. Especially someone who can be proud of being called by that name which I have made for myself. 

We kids had a great childhood. We had bikes, we climbed trees, had to go to school in uniforms and had all the privileges other kids from the high class society in Guatemala had. We didn't grow up pampered or taking vacation trips all over the globe. We were never lacking, but never had huge amounts of money to spare. So from an early age, I detested little rich kids who thought that they were worth more than others because their parents could afford the expensive trips, luxuries and material items. I mocked them and they hated me in return. So I used to hang out with the rejects instead. They were at least honest with their intentions and their words. 

When I decided to move to Germany at the age of 19, I realized that I was giving up a life of privilege and security for a life of struggle, hardship, loneliness and poverty. I don't know if I was nuts then or just didn't realize what I was getting myself into, having a kid in a foreign country and bringing her up all by myself, honestly! But I did and now I don't regret a minute of it. I just had to learn to let God work in my life, to revenge me, to heal me, to provide for me, to give me everything I need in life and show me what is really important. God has been my friend, parent, protector, provider  and giver of hope when there was nothing else left and I learned to trust Him every step of the way.

I traded Nine West heels for 10 dollar tennis shoes and Liz Claiborne dresses for church sales and donations, Villeroy & Boch plates for mismatched 10 cent plates from garage sales and all my furniture is second-hand or picked out of the trash (which in Germany, regarding furniture, is often in very good condition). But to be very honest, I don't miss any luxury from my past life. Every piece of furniture has its story, every present from church members is a demonstration of God, providing for us in His magnificent ways. We have never hungered or had to spend the night out in the street. We now live in a beautiful apartment and both my daughter and I are very grateful for everything we have in it. We see life through the eyes of poor people. And we have learned to be grateful for the small things too. The most unbelievable of them is that the last time I went to do shopping was in May, and ever since our pastor came and brought us food during our greatest time of need, we have not run out of it since! It has multiplied in our cupboards!!! We have shared with guests and others in need, and still, it has always been enough, even though I have had absolutely no money to go grocery shopping!

But we are so very rich! We have family in Guatemala, Costa Rica, USA, Denmark and Germany who send us their prayers and love every chance they get. We have friends who really care about how we are doing and if something can be done, we can count on them to lend a hand, or share good news and celebrate together. We have a congregation that we love as much as they love us back. So I may not have a cent in the bank (I actually have 68 cents in my bank account currently, so I am clearly exaggerating!) but we are rich in love. And it is so much that it pours out into the things we do, even the job I hate, because people there need it too. Nora was telling me today how she has encountered God and shared with her friends the awesome experience of being a Christian.

I have had the blessing of meeting very poor people back home and have always admired that even if they didn't have much, they gladly shared whatever they had with us. They are rich too! And in comparisson, the people of this magnificent, wealthy country of Germany, even with its myriad of opportunities, are constantly unhappy, lonely and very much in need of everything else that can't be bought with money. They are very poor! 

So I've decided to be a "missionary" in a wealthy country. There is so much to do right here where we are! I want to share my sofa and time with those in need of a cup of coffee, a heartfelt conversation, prayer, friendship and honest, sisterly love, a favor, a helping hand and a shoulder to lean on when times get too tough to deal alone. We have received so much, it's time to give back. After all, love is the only thing that grows even more when you share it.And if we do things with this love and engagement towards other people, God will see it and reward it as He sees fit, as always in abundance!

...And now you're just somebody that I used to know...

A benefit of growing old and wise is knowing when to give up on something. Picking your battles really can lower your risk of heartache and anger episodes. Heck, it might even save you a restraining order or two! Like when you choose to fight with a good friend over different points of view. And depending on how strongly you feel about your beliefs or point of view and the love you feel for that friend, that's just how much the opposing person's opinion is going affect you on the emotional level. 

When I was married to my ex, we were both very young and inexperienced. And we got on each other's throats on a daily basis. But I always wondered why it was that whenever HE said something, no matter how stupid or sarcastic it was, he would always make me want to cry. That was it! One sentence and he could ruin my whole day! But it was actually my fault, as I later discovered.

With time, I learned that I did have a choice in how I could respond to things. I can give any person within my inner bounds a specific place of importance. The more irrelevant I made him in my mind, the less he was able to affect me.  The less attention I paid him, the less he could ruin my day with his hurtful remarks. And at some point, I guess I built a wall around me where it didn't matter what people said to me, I could take it. But that was the other extreme. Because I realized that I had stopped showing emotions completely. I walled out my ex along with my ability to feel strongly about anything coming from anybody. That was when I learned that I could choose exactly how important he was to me or not.

But there has to be a healthy middle ground somewhere, I thought!! And precisely that is the point you have to reach to make your decision wisely. If you consciously let in the message you are receiving, then you also have to deal with the consequences of the words. Some are edifying and good. Others are devastating. All words have a certain degree of power. 

This is why I choose consciously to surround myself with people who are optimistic, positive, happy, loving, balanced, morally centered, child friendly, interesting and smart. And they feed me that which I am so hungry for: the right kind of attention. They also fill me with a bit of themselves with  their encouraging, loving, interesting, positive words. And that is where I hope and strive to belong. 

The other sort of people in my life have gone their separate ways, because we no longer have anything in common. Those people who suck the energy out of you, those are especially the ones you have to be careful with. Make sure not to reject them downright! But also make sure to be in a balanced point within yourself. It's easy to get pulled into a bottomless pit of despair when the people who you choose to surround yourself with are in this hole and you are dangling from the edge yourself. And they might not even notice it! The only thing you can do is be there for them for a very small amount of time. As long as they don't pull you down too. And people who have nothing better to do than nag about others are not the kind of people you want to hang around with anyway. I had to say goodbye to a friend today who made me realize that I felt very lonely when he was around. He made me feel worthless often enough. So I had a clean break with him. We didn't part in any ugly terms. But we realized that the only thing we had in common was our past and that we once felt similarly about things. But I changed. And we branched in two very different life roads. Sometimes it's hard to let go but it's always for the best. There's no shame in that.

If this old lady can give you advice on this precise subject, it's this: 

Make sure you know your worth (just in case you weren't sure, you are worth a whole lot!!!). 

Don't do things for and with people who bring you down, just because you are accustomed to it. 

Your time and resources are valuable. 

Surround yourself with people you admire. 

That which makes them great rubs off on you in the long run! 

There are people who will be there for a reason, for a season or for a lifetime, so learn to recognize them and value them for as long as you have them. 

If they part from your life, it's for a good reason. Let them go their way and wish them well on their journey.

Forgiving, part II: How much sin does God let me get away with??

Ok so I've been keeping you updated on a lot of the details about my life. But just in case you missed it, here it goes again in a nutshell: I am a single mom, 30, living in Germany. I have a daughter who will turn 9 tomorrow and as much as I'd love to say that I am successful in everything I set my mind to do, I can only prove the opposite. I have no career, just began to work for a call center and up to last week, despised every moment I worked there, mostly because my job in sales consisted of telling half-truths or downright lying to the customers to reach a certain quota.  Oh, and I can't quit.

But God has his way of putting us exactly where we belong, at the right place and time (think of Jonah and the whale!). Even though I would never ever have chosen to put myself in this position, this is where I am exactly. And I wonder, when I lie to customers about their contracts (or tell them half-truths that sound very convincing), what exactly should I tell God if I dropped dead in a few minutes. I know I can't fool Him, but can I at least blame Him for sticking me into this particular jar of honey? I'd love to start the conversation with "Dear God, what were you thinking!!??". Fact is, I can't get out of this and I have to survive for Nora.

 When I came home from work the first week, I felt dirty and cried a lot. There was a rift that was inevitably beginning to form between my Father and myself after each lie and closed deal.  And I hoped God was not on the line, listening in on what I'd tell some people. I wanted to pull away from Him because I knew very well I was doing wrong and couldn't face God like this. And even worse, when my boss screened my calls, he gave me even more lies I could use to boost sales and a big thumbs up for the great work I was doing!! (INSERT FACE PALM HERE)

So, to find consolation, I went to the fountain of wisdom (my bible) and looked up what it had to say about continuously sinning. And it was apalling! Here are some of the verses I found:

-Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin.(John 8:34)

-For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it.(James 2:10)

-Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.(Galatians 5:19-21)

-For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 6:23)

And so on, and so forth....
...But then....

-He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit (...) (Titus 3:5)

So basically what this verse says is that it doesn't matter how righteous I am or how often  I have committed a specific sin because that is not how God weighs it out. Right? God has given us the unbelieveble gift of salvation in exchange for nothing at all, other than we repent every time we sin. And He knows full well that  we are gonna fall over and over on our faces, some with this kind of particular weakness, the other with another weakness. But basically we will all fall on a regular basis. But in the end, if we repent regularly, we'll be forgiven and there will be a happy end with angels singing joyfully for one converted sinner.

I am very confused! I see king David's story, for example. He was a great lover of God. And he sinned once and big time. And he angered God. And he was forgiven but cursed at the same time in the most horrible way a parent can experience pain: by seeing his son die. And his relationship with God was never the same after that. So what keeps me hoping for His forgiveness if God doesn't mix with sin? And how does that all fit in with the teachings of other biblical verses that say that it doesn't matter how much we sin, we will never be clean. But God's salvation is His gift to us, no matter how good or bad we've been??

Personally, after committing one big sin, I went downhill from there. I did a little more sinning, and then a little more here and there. I figured that my soul is like a dress; if I get one big dirty spot or many small ones, the dress is still dirty and it has to go into the washer because the size of the stain isn't what counts, but the fact that the fabric is soiled. Does God cleanse us and forgive us just like that too? And if he puts us somewhere where it is completely unavoidable to get dirty, are we acting right or still accountable for consciously committing a sin? Of course we have to deal with the consequences of all our actions. But are we truly forgiven? Is Judas forgiven for handing Jesus over to his enemies on a silver platter?

And there comes the other question haunting me like crazy: WHAT WAS HE THINKING BY PUTTING ME IN HERE, IN THIS PLACE, AT THIS TIME?!

Let me tell you what happened after. I had been very distraught and hoping for a miracle (or to get miraculously fired).  I felt sick at the thought of continuing my sinful journey. The first Friday I worked, my stomach rebelled against me so I had to go to HR and explain why I needed to go home earler. Well that was embarassing! How do you explain to your boss that the garbage you are dishing out is actually making you sick on the inside? I went home early after a long conversation with the guys in HR, telling them that I was very grateful for the opportunity they were offering me but I could not get my conscience to agree with the things that were going on in the department I was working in. They immediately switched me to the most honest campaign they had to offer, which is where I am working at the moment.
The Monday and Tuesday after that I missed work because my kid got sick. And in those two days, the HR personnel got everyone in a meeting and forbade them to continue lying to the customers. Some people got fired, some got a slap in the hand. Some were sent right back to training. And I still wonder if it had to do with the conversation I had with HR on that Friday when I left work early hoping and praying for a miracle to happen or was it, as they explained the change, because policies had been revised and rewritten? Was this what God had in mind for me? And was my sin forgiven if God knew that I couldn't have done anything differently? Lots of people were taken out of harm's way with this process. But some were fired and who knows what will happen to them and their families?

When I found out what had happened, I could not help but feel very relieved. I also felt like I was really forgiven and wearing a brand new, clean dress.

The last thing I ever want to do now is displease my Father. I want Him to look upon me again and not have anything ever to come between us. It even makes me sad to think that I will sin again and disappoint Him. Or that He might some day remove His presence or Holy Spirit from me. That would be horrible!!! But I learned a valuable lesson in the end.

The people who sit next to me at work ask me how and why it is that I have a huge smile on my face on a Monday morning. At the back of my mind, I am still overjoyed, replaying the events of the past few weeks and would love to share this joy with everyone around. But God sees the hidden things. That's what counts.

About selling lies...does God forgive?

It may not be true, but it's the way I see it! 

This is a line I have heard in my head a lot of times this past week and a half. I have a new job and I am hating every single minute of telemarketing. Especially that I have to use my real name! 

I have worked on sales and I have hated that, because I do honestly care for people. I care that they are well taken care of and it matters to me to be honest about whatever it is that I do for and with them. So it's quite the contradiction that I signed a contract to do telemarketing. It was out of pure need!

My sister once gave me a talking down when I was a few years younger. She said: "Mari, don't ever do anything which you will be ashamed of to tell your daughter some day. And never do anything that might ruin your name. You have only one name. Keep it clean!". When we came to Germany, nobody knew us. I was nobody, I am nobody and nobody knows anything about my past except what I choose to tell them. I define who I am by showing the best of me every day. I choose to live a life with a certain moral standard and honesty. I can sleep at night knowing that what I do and who I am is transparent and worthy of being proudly shown. By keeping my name clean I am inheriting a special moral and sense of direction to my little one. And to sell lies to customers is the business of people with very little scruples. I'm sure I'm not cut out for telemarketing. Not now, not ever!!!

And it's not just the fact that I am selling lies to my customers what affects me the most, it's actually that I have been pushed to doing something I hate just to survive. I've been here before and I was dead inside. The people sitting to my right and left look like soulless drones, squawking away like little parrots the lines which we are obligated to learn by heart. In their pauses you can sense their disillusionment and when you talk to them you see the resignation in their eyes. I wondered how long it took them to fall into this hole. It took me less than a week to realize I was slipping into the old habits. I was like this, but learned to feel alive again after a while. 

I refuse to be a drone. And the more I refuse, the harder it gets to "get by". I see and feel my body rejecting lies and deception. I feel physically ill at the thought of lying and deceiving to get my paychek. It may be that others see telemarketing differently, but that is the way I see it! And I fear that by trying to get by, I might lose sight of that which is really important to me: staying in the straight and narrow, being transparent and letting light shine through. I pray that God forgives me every night, because I know I am doing wrong. 

I am surely trying my best to get out of this situation ASAP. But does God forgive you if he knows you are sorry but have to do it to survive?