I won't go into the very intimate details but let's just say that the relationship is over. It died off because I was unable to trust to the degree that was expected of me. If you remember two posts ago, I was saying that I needed to make room for a new person. And to learn to trust. And well, I figure it has to go both ways. I made mistakes. But so did he. And what upset me the most was that I apologized for my mistakes a 1000 times over but he gave me to undersand that his reactions and his hurting me emotionally were my fault and I just can't take that to be true. Nor did I agree with the part that all my actions have consequences because if that were the case, the thousand little good things would have very much outweighed the bad I did.
I went out with him last night as friends and made the huge mistake of thinking things were mending themselves between us. I (typical Maria) had an outburst of emotions and hugged him. And he was repeled by this action. What I had expected was just his hand on my shoulder. What I got was a stiffening of all muscles and the feeling I was holding on to stone. There was a huge stone wall between us that I had so energetically tried to oversee. But this time the wall won and something shattered inside of me with this last blow.
Did you watch the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding"? The bride runs through the garden, the groom runs behind her and Julia Roberts runs after the groom. It was very symbolic for me because I am usually the one running after someone. The ungiven hug was just as symobolic as Julia Roberts not being the one who was chased. I was trying so hard to hold on but who was holding on to me? Nobody! I was grabbing on with all my might to someone who didn't want to touch me. I learned the hard way that I have to let go. He won't come after me. It's just not the way he does things. It's so much easier to just let things be. Sometimes even if you love somebody. Even if you think it's so worthy of being saved. I was hoping that if i can't come a step further, he'd take a step closer and fill the emptiness between us. I was wrong.
I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I think that love has to be earned through actions. That people will find me beautiful if I make myself pretty, wear high heels and makeup and lose 30 pounds. I think that they will see good in me if I do good things for them. But after a while I get very tired of being so incredibly proactive and not getting the responses I hope for. I just aim too high, expect too much, want too much. Because I give too much. And even though I thought I had given my 100% in the area of trust by letting him move in, giving him the keys to all that belongs to me, insight into my worries, my joys, my mind and heart, it wasn't enough because the deep side of trust, like expecting NOT to get hurt, NOT to get cheated on, NOT to be mistreated and disrespected wasn't there. I got stuck on the little things like if he has his thoughts about bringing his pots and pans here after living with me for 4 months, he must be thinking of leaving me soon. We also never bought the bed.
My fear and lack of trust led me to make unfair decisions because I was expecting him to be a bastard to me. And thus, he became one.
I can tell you a lot of things that are wrong with me. I have much good in there too. Love me for who I am and show it to me often. Tell me I look pretty. Tell me that you appreciate all that I do for you. Look for me. Hold me. Forgive me. Talk to me. Show me how to trust. That is the kind of love that I understand. And I bloom visibly through this kind of feedback. I will always give you my 100%.
I'm so utterly empty and broken up inside I just can't feel anything anymore. I don't want to feel. Maybe after the evening's last humiliating rejection, the part of me that wanted to give, be, do more died off. Maybe I just need to completely let go of the shards so that I can glue myself back together. To be honest, I don't even have the energy left to put on a smile or the will to pull myself together anymore.
Something died inside of me and I need time to mourn... But that is another story, for some other time.
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