More!!

The week is only half way over but every day I've learned such  incredibly powerful lessons I'm still reeling and basically I'm just taking the time to write down these lessons for future reference. If this message reaches you at a time where you can understand and need these words to grow, then I'm very happy for you.

I'm out of a job again. I've quit a job for the very first time in my life and if you have seen my previous posts, you might already know that morally my last position and I just didn't see eye to eye. The problem about quitting your job here in Germany ist that you don't get much money from the social security if you quit, only if you get laid off. So basically I screwed myself into a very tight position here.
Here's the thing though: I have never felt that much peace doing something as crazy as this. Unfortunately, it has had very negative consequences on my ego. First, I felt inadequate and void of any talent whatsoever. Second, have you ever had an empty page staring at you, awaiting your entries on what it is that you are good at? I still don't know what to put down after "My strongest qualities are...". Third, you depend on somebody else for stuff.
And while I have been pondering these very important things, I have wondered what to do with the rest of my life. I have, I am and I look forward to ..... no idea!!! This might be one of two things: either very depressing since I have nothing to build on or totally exhilirating since I am given a whole new chance to develop myself in a completely different area and become somebody new.

To me God has never been a God of abundance. I really honestly think God likes me down at the rock bottom. When I am on my knees I see Him working in my life most extraordinarily. And now I know why. I've never trusted anybody fully. But that is the foundation of faith!! Giving God full access to every single aspect of your life and letting Him work and do more than you ever imagined possible is one thing that comes from complete trust that God has you covered to the very last need. But not more than what you need.This is the first lesson learned.

So after getting news that my electricity was about to get cut off, the social security was telling me that I might have to wait for 6 to 8 weeks to receive an answer if I get welfare or not, I was devastated. I thought I would be homeless, broke and basically had no financial security, I sat at the bus stop and asked myself who I should turn to in this time of great need. I have no family that can support me, nor do I have rich friends who would not mind giving me a few thousand bucks to cover my debts. So I went to the only source of comfort I know: I prayed. And during the ride home, the little voice inside said "have you ever hungered or had no roof over your head?". And I have to admit I don't know these needs. When I got home, I got a call from the job center and they said everything had been approved and it was a mistake on their behalf. On top of that, a friend offered to give me the money to pay the electricity bill. And the  second lesson is that it's ok to ask for help and not feel that you have to tough everything outon your own. You are never alone! When you ask for help, you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable but special position. You are asking for something and at the same time, the opportunity of giving back something else in return is offered to you. You may build something very intimate out of that need.

Regarding my future, there are many question marks still unresolved. All I know is that I want more. I want more of God, more encounters, more miracles, more need so that God can supply, more hunger so He can feed, more emptiness so that He can fill it, more sickness so that He can heal, more brokenness so that He can mold me into whatever He wants me to be. All I want is to be willing to go wherever God wants me to be. And here lies lesson number three: If I am willing to be an object of God's work, I have to be willing to do things I don't really think are smart. A radical Christian must not be afraid of being ridiculed. Nor must he have extensive titles and studies to serve. As Francis Chan says in his Holy Spirit preachings: "I challenge you. Where in the Scripture do you see a balanced life praised? Cause everything I read in here is about this radical, extreme WHAT? I want to sell everything for it! (Check out that awesome sermon here ). Ever been totally head over heels in love with somebody? Even your friends make fun of you acting like your brain has been kidnapped! That is what being in love with God is about! Giving it every moment of your time, obsessing about it, making it your first thought in the morning, your last prayer at night, you dream of it, you fantasize being there. Nothing is too much, no obstacle is ever great enough to overcome when you are deeply in love with God. That is the kind of love we read as the first commandment.

Do you know that unknown force that compells you to do something even though it doesn't make much sense? Today I was having coffee with a friend. I was a bit worried because of my financial situation. I really couldn't afford to go out. I could also not get myself to cancel on him, not just because the guy is awesome and I really enjoy spending time with him, I HAD to go. That drive made me go today and I met per chance a woman who sat down next to our table. She had been praying to God this morning to help her find a church here. If I had denied the Holy Spirit to flow, she would have been denied the answer to her prayers and she would not have received blessings that were meant for her. This is how the Spirit works.
Last lesson so far: God wants us to live a life of reckless abandonment in  Him, in asking Him what to do every step of the way, in going out of our way and our comfort zone, in killing the "me" and living for Him. This is where we encounter God. When nothing else matters as much as being where He is, giving up everything to do what He wants.
Like the verse about the servants and the talents, I had buried my talent under the ground and waited for the time to take it out and give it to my Master. It has not multiplied. But now I am open to serving Him with every aspect of my entire life. I give my God my one little talent back and hope that He trusts me with more in the future as I grow in His wisdom and faithfulness. I finally get it now!