Lost

When you are in a new town and you make the wrong turn, sometimes it leads you down an unknown alley full of interesting or picturesque things to see. Sometimes it might also lead you into a dangerous, dark and scary place you never had the intention of getting into.

I turned into the wrong street at the beginning of this year and it seems like whatever I do, wherever I turn, I get even more lost and more scared. And it's not in my nature to be scared of little things but I am frightened of taking a single step further. Every decision I have taken since the beginning of this year has been wrong. Every turn I have unwittingly taken has led me farther from myself and I just can't seem to get out of this mess and return to being me. It's a lonely place to be.

Maybe I should try not looking back and instead turn into somebody completely new; full of positivity, seeing the chance in every opportunity, turning the obstacles into milestones and getting ahead. I just can't seem to find the motivation to look further because of all the scrapes and falls I have had thus far.

I was really looking forward to becoming a nurse, somebody who could help and heal others. I was beginning to identify myself with this role. I thought it was perfect. And then, one fateful day, somebody else decided it was cheaper to turn me into something else. I am obligated to take a course in security. I can't even imagine myself in this position. The people I met who are attending the course are not at all like me! But then again, who am I now and what am I?

I am selfish, have forgotten to look beyond myself and see the world through other people's eyes. I am mentally imbalanced: I can be incredibly happy or incredibly sad after one sentence. I can attack you or flirt within a matter of moments and I don't see it coming. Every day I wake up fearing what I will do to others because I have hurt feelings and I feel just as guilty as if I had punched someone in the face without a reason to.
What has happened? Why do I keep making mistakes? And how can I stop being me? All I know is that if I keep making turns, the streets will get darker and I will be even more lost than now. I have no planned route, no control over anything that happens beyond this point, no one to blame or to lean on. I am alone and lost...