Service... what is that??

Many people have it built into their schedules to go to "Service" every weekend, be it on Sabbath or the regular Sunday mass. However, I have been wondering what on earth that means. What is Service? what does one serve, or get served during Service?

Highlighted in black are some definitions I got from the Macmillan Dictionary explaining the word "Service": 

System to meet needs: To serve is to give another person something they want or need. As Christians, it's not only our responsibility but also a higher calling to look beyond ourselves and give joyfully. Essentially, this means getting your hands and feet dirty and serving other people in a way that exemplifies the love of Christ and makes a difference in someone's life and in the community you live in.

Organization that offers help: A church should function as an organized unit, with several departments that deal with different areas of Christian life and also community assistance. We should (ideally) feel free to call on our sisters and brothers when the §$%& hits the fan and not hope but expect to help and be helped. We should expect to pray for one another, get things working, get our hands dirty wherever and whenever we can.

Work/duties done for someone: I remember a very bleak time in my life where not only was I broke as broke can be, I was also on crutches and needed to move out of my apartment. Out of nowhere, several people offered to help with the move and they did it all in one day without asking for anything in return. Not only that, they helped out with food, clothing and supplies, organized activities where my girl could take part without having to pay extra and helped to get us to church and back. I am so grateful for all they did for us!

Employment as servant: In our church (and probably in every other functioning church) we are called upon to help out wherever we can. As a sign of gratefulness for all we got, I decided to work at the church cafeteria and not only was it a pleasure to give back a little, I got the chance to know some awesome people on the way. But really, if we want something to be awesome, we have to give what we got to others. It makes a whole world of difference!

See, Service has a lot of different meanings and in the Bible it says that we are called upon to serve God and each other joyfully according to our talents, every day of our lives. I guess serving doesn't always entail washing dishes or helping somebody move out of their apartments, handing out shoeboxes full of knicknacks or paying an organization a donation so that they get their hands dirty while we sit in the comfort of our homes, feeling good for ourselves that we did something for someone somewhere far away. We are called upon to help one another in a much more intimate way too: to know one other like brothers and sisters, to welcome each other, to praise, care for, hear out, visit, celebrate, mourn, pray, hope, teach, correct, hold together and help let go with joy and love in our hearts for one another.

I hope the next time you go to Service, that you have this in mind: we receive much from the magnificent people who take their time to create the whole experience; from praise and worship to arranging the sermon, the snacks and coffee, all the way down to paying the bills of the place you stand in, the chair you sit on and the light that so beautifully brings out the expensive ornaments around you when you go to church. This doesn't happen automatically (nor should it ever)! People behind the scenes put in a lot of training, effort, love and time into all the details. Please say thanks, acknowledge and praise their energy. And learn not only to receive, but to serve as Jesus showed us, as our brothers and sisters do every time we go to Service.

Becoming vs. Being

Let's take Alice.  She was brought up in a wealthy family, experienced some privilege and a bit of education. She's not all that stupid and not all that ugly. One would expect of Alice to be successful in life, bring home a decent paycheck, not make monumental mistakes and have an easy-going life. But Alice stuns all, messes up gynormously, marries the wrong kind of guy, ends up a single mom in a foreign country with nothing more than her sense of self-preservation, her God-given wits and her charming personality (yeah, oh so charming that you find me ---er I mean, HER cute). 

This is me laughing at the idea of being the bestest,
 most badass, cutest, fittest security agent ever!!

To correct the monumental life detour, she has two choices: either to be what people expected of her from the beginning, without having any experience and setting herself really high goals which might be unobtainable and thus setting herself up for disappointment or to develop into the person she could become, finding herself along the way and working on her strengths and weaknesses, occasionally making smaller mistakes because she's allowed to become that person within a certain amount of time. 

It gets  pretty annoying when her teen colleagues call the music she grew up with "oldies" or "retro hits" but she remembers that none of those kids can offer half as much maturity or experience as  her and she has a lot of that. And because she wasn't forced to automatically BE, she had time to BECOME the really awesome, balanced person she was meant to be. 

Now, going to study at the age of 31, when she should actually have her stuff together is not only a little uncommon. The professional world downright frowns upon "old" people. It is expected of her to know absolutely everything, especially herself and there is no room for mistakes. And yet she chooses to defy social standards, take detours and is brave enough to endure other people's stupid remarks. She trusts that she'll get to wherever she has to be at the right time. 

What I want to say is that although the going might be tougher for you more than for others and your brain turns to mush as you grow older, you are never too old to learn new tricks. You can BECOME anything you want to BE. Motivation makes any obstacle seem smaller than it is. So take that time, make mistakes, let them make fun of you and your dreams and goals. Sometimes it pays to get detoured so you can develop new skills. It's ok to take your time, to find your "self" in the process. Enjoy the stressless time of BECOMING something before you have to prove that you ARE something, take your time to grow up and develop all your skills. They might be hidden but revealed to you along the way.

In the end everybody will applaud you for having had the balls to make your crazy dream come true, at any age. And that is always freaking inspiring!

Lost

When you are in a new town and you make the wrong turn, sometimes it leads you down an unknown alley full of interesting or picturesque things to see. Sometimes it might also lead you into a dangerous, dark and scary place you never had the intention of getting into.

I turned into the wrong street at the beginning of this year and it seems like whatever I do, wherever I turn, I get even more lost and more scared. And it's not in my nature to be scared of little things but I am frightened of taking a single step further. Every decision I have taken since the beginning of this year has been wrong. Every turn I have unwittingly taken has led me farther from myself and I just can't seem to get out of this mess and return to being me. It's a lonely place to be.

Maybe I should try not looking back and instead turn into somebody completely new; full of positivity, seeing the chance in every opportunity, turning the obstacles into milestones and getting ahead. I just can't seem to find the motivation to look further because of all the scrapes and falls I have had thus far.

I was really looking forward to becoming a nurse, somebody who could help and heal others. I was beginning to identify myself with this role. I thought it was perfect. And then, one fateful day, somebody else decided it was cheaper to turn me into something else. I am obligated to take a course in security. I can't even imagine myself in this position. The people I met who are attending the course are not at all like me! But then again, who am I now and what am I?

I am selfish, have forgotten to look beyond myself and see the world through other people's eyes. I am mentally imbalanced: I can be incredibly happy or incredibly sad after one sentence. I can attack you or flirt within a matter of moments and I don't see it coming. Every day I wake up fearing what I will do to others because I have hurt feelings and I feel just as guilty as if I had punched someone in the face without a reason to.
What has happened? Why do I keep making mistakes? And how can I stop being me? All I know is that if I keep making turns, the streets will get darker and I will be even more lost than now. I have no planned route, no control over anything that happens beyond this point, no one to blame or to lean on. I am alone and lost...

More!!

The week is only half way over but every day I've learned such  incredibly powerful lessons I'm still reeling and basically I'm just taking the time to write down these lessons for future reference. If this message reaches you at a time where you can understand and need these words to grow, then I'm very happy for you.

I'm out of a job again. I've quit a job for the very first time in my life and if you have seen my previous posts, you might already know that morally my last position and I just didn't see eye to eye. The problem about quitting your job here in Germany ist that you don't get much money from the social security if you quit, only if you get laid off. So basically I screwed myself into a very tight position here.
Here's the thing though: I have never felt that much peace doing something as crazy as this. Unfortunately, it has had very negative consequences on my ego. First, I felt inadequate and void of any talent whatsoever. Second, have you ever had an empty page staring at you, awaiting your entries on what it is that you are good at? I still don't know what to put down after "My strongest qualities are...". Third, you depend on somebody else for stuff.
And while I have been pondering these very important things, I have wondered what to do with the rest of my life. I have, I am and I look forward to ..... no idea!!! This might be one of two things: either very depressing since I have nothing to build on or totally exhilirating since I am given a whole new chance to develop myself in a completely different area and become somebody new.

To me God has never been a God of abundance. I really honestly think God likes me down at the rock bottom. When I am on my knees I see Him working in my life most extraordinarily. And now I know why. I've never trusted anybody fully. But that is the foundation of faith!! Giving God full access to every single aspect of your life and letting Him work and do more than you ever imagined possible is one thing that comes from complete trust that God has you covered to the very last need. But not more than what you need.This is the first lesson learned.

So after getting news that my electricity was about to get cut off, the social security was telling me that I might have to wait for 6 to 8 weeks to receive an answer if I get welfare or not, I was devastated. I thought I would be homeless, broke and basically had no financial security, I sat at the bus stop and asked myself who I should turn to in this time of great need. I have no family that can support me, nor do I have rich friends who would not mind giving me a few thousand bucks to cover my debts. So I went to the only source of comfort I know: I prayed. And during the ride home, the little voice inside said "have you ever hungered or had no roof over your head?". And I have to admit I don't know these needs. When I got home, I got a call from the job center and they said everything had been approved and it was a mistake on their behalf. On top of that, a friend offered to give me the money to pay the electricity bill. And the  second lesson is that it's ok to ask for help and not feel that you have to tough everything outon your own. You are never alone! When you ask for help, you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable but special position. You are asking for something and at the same time, the opportunity of giving back something else in return is offered to you. You may build something very intimate out of that need.

Regarding my future, there are many question marks still unresolved. All I know is that I want more. I want more of God, more encounters, more miracles, more need so that God can supply, more hunger so He can feed, more emptiness so that He can fill it, more sickness so that He can heal, more brokenness so that He can mold me into whatever He wants me to be. All I want is to be willing to go wherever God wants me to be. And here lies lesson number three: If I am willing to be an object of God's work, I have to be willing to do things I don't really think are smart. A radical Christian must not be afraid of being ridiculed. Nor must he have extensive titles and studies to serve. As Francis Chan says in his Holy Spirit preachings: "I challenge you. Where in the Scripture do you see a balanced life praised? Cause everything I read in here is about this radical, extreme WHAT? I want to sell everything for it! (Check out that awesome sermon here ). Ever been totally head over heels in love with somebody? Even your friends make fun of you acting like your brain has been kidnapped! That is what being in love with God is about! Giving it every moment of your time, obsessing about it, making it your first thought in the morning, your last prayer at night, you dream of it, you fantasize being there. Nothing is too much, no obstacle is ever great enough to overcome when you are deeply in love with God. That is the kind of love we read as the first commandment.

Do you know that unknown force that compells you to do something even though it doesn't make much sense? Today I was having coffee with a friend. I was a bit worried because of my financial situation. I really couldn't afford to go out. I could also not get myself to cancel on him, not just because the guy is awesome and I really enjoy spending time with him, I HAD to go. That drive made me go today and I met per chance a woman who sat down next to our table. She had been praying to God this morning to help her find a church here. If I had denied the Holy Spirit to flow, she would have been denied the answer to her prayers and she would not have received blessings that were meant for her. This is how the Spirit works.
Last lesson so far: God wants us to live a life of reckless abandonment in  Him, in asking Him what to do every step of the way, in going out of our way and our comfort zone, in killing the "me" and living for Him. This is where we encounter God. When nothing else matters as much as being where He is, giving up everything to do what He wants.
Like the verse about the servants and the talents, I had buried my talent under the ground and waited for the time to take it out and give it to my Master. It has not multiplied. But now I am open to serving Him with every aspect of my entire life. I give my God my one little talent back and hope that He trusts me with more in the future as I grow in His wisdom and faithfulness. I finally get it now!

Lessons learned

Lately I've been putting a lot of question marks on many of my actions regarding my relationships and career decisions throughout my life. That's because when you are looking through your rear view mirror, things look a lot different, especially after having learned a few lessons along the way. 

 

Last year I dedicated myself to writing about my relationship with God and how it got me so far. And I learned a whole lot about being a Christian and what that all means. But I still didn't get a lot about being a person.

 

In the process of growing up (which was stunted for many years during my twenties) I had to learn about dealing with other people.  I thought that Christians should act and think a certain way and non-religious people another way.

 

The most important things I've learned so far are these:

 

1) Whether you are in a church or not, being decent is fundamental to getting along with others.

 

2) Growing up in a different culture means that YOU have to adapt to others and it's sometimes going to go against what you stand for. So make sure you have something to stand for at all. If not, you will surely be dragged along like a sheep with the latest fad.

 

3) I have constantly changed my opinions and choices to fit into other people's expectations of me and many times I've lost my way trying to please them. Being liked for who I am was often not the case. I was loved conditionally if I did or gave something of me in return for what I most craved for: acceptance. And it will always be this way so you have to learn to distinguish who is good for you and who isn't.

 

4) Being humble is nothing to be ashamed of. Asking for forgiveness even if you are right is an act that not many people are willing to do. It doesn't mean you are weak at all! But sometimes being meek and offering the other cheek might make the difference between a friendship or an eternal grudge. That is strength!

 

5)Many people out there expect to always be right, always be stronger and get their way. That's just how the world works. It doesn't matter if Christian or not, people in general have the tendency to go over weaker people and take charge. 

 

6)Serving others doesn't mean humilliating yourself or letting yourself be treated as less. Serving means you are giving freely a bit of you. Serving means to be at an eye-to-eye level and lend a helping hand.

 

7) Some people are just not meant to stay around in your life. Like my sister always said, some people are there for a reason, a season or a lifetime. If they are meant to leave, don't try to make them stay. It will just hurt a lot to go against the unavoidable. Learn the lesson they were there to teach, apreciate what they brought into your life and move on. It's been the hardest lesson of all so far!

 

8) It's ok to change your mind. You can let go of the things that aren't working for you. Trying out new stuff only broadens your horizons. Getting out of the comfort zone is really refreshing sometimes.

 

9) You will only have a handful of people you can really call friends. The ones that have proven to be worthy of your trust are worthy of your heart. Not everyone deserves to be your friend nor should they be trusted with your most valuable posessions: your feelings, ideas and trust.

 

Have you had any specific lessons drilled into you lately?

 

This is me

I am a badass when I need to be
I am a survivor
I am a fighter for righteousness
I am honourable
I am faithful
I am decent
I am a good friend
I am slightly compulsive
I am emotional
I am passionate
I am noble-hearted
I am impassive 
I am melancholic
I am a single mom
I am a Christian
I am a music lover
I am loved by my family and friends
I am older but not wiser
I am a hard worker

I am sometimes lazy
I am proud
I am sometimes delicate
I am mostly polite and well-mannered
I am mostly a good girl
I am a pain in the ass

I am a person to be proud of to have as a friend, partner or colleague. I might forget who I am sometimes and maybe I will try to suit your needs and wants and bend myself out of shape to fulfill your expectations so that you will love me.

But I will always come back to being me, and that is a hell of a person to be!

So if someday you have a fight with me for being myself, please excuse me for not exceeding your expectations. If they are not listed above, then I might as well let you know now, I'm not the person you are looking for.

Just as empty as half my closet

I won't go into the very intimate details but let's just say that the relationship is over. It died off because I was unable to trust to the degree that was expected of me. If you remember two posts ago, I was saying that I needed to make room for a new person. And to learn to trust. And well, I figure it has to go both ways. I made mistakes. But so did he. And what upset me the most was that I apologized for my mistakes a 1000 times over but he gave me to undersand that his reactions and his hurting me emotionally were my fault and I just can't take that to be true. Nor did I agree with the part that all my actions have consequences because if that were the case, the thousand little good things would have very much outweighed the bad I did.

I went out with him last night as friends and made the huge mistake of thinking things were mending themselves between us. I (typical Maria) had an outburst of emotions and hugged him. And he was repeled by this action. What I had expected was just his hand on my shoulder. What I got was a stiffening of all muscles and the feeling I was holding on to stone. There was a huge stone wall between us that I had so energetically tried to oversee. But this time the wall won and something shattered inside of me with this last blow.

Did you watch the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding"? The bride runs through the garden, the groom runs behind her and Julia Roberts runs after the groom. It was very symbolic for me because I am usually the one running after someone. The ungiven hug was just as symobolic as Julia Roberts not being the one who was chased. I was trying so hard to hold on but who was holding on to me? Nobody! I was grabbing on with all my might to someone who didn't want to touch me. I learned the hard way that I have to let go. He won't come after me. It's just not the way he does things. It's so much easier to just let things be. Sometimes even if you love somebody. Even if you think it's so worthy of being saved. I was hoping that if i can't come a step further, he'd take a step closer and fill the emptiness between us. I was wrong.

I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I think that love has to be earned through actions. That people will find me beautiful if I make myself pretty, wear high heels and makeup and lose 30 pounds. I think that they will see good in me if I do good things for them.  But after a while I get very tired of being so incredibly proactive and not getting the responses I hope for. I just aim too high, expect too much, want too much. Because I give too much. And even though I thought I had given my 100% in the area of trust by letting him move in, giving him the keys to all that belongs to me, insight into my worries, my joys, my mind and heart, it wasn't enough because the deep side of trust, like expecting NOT to get hurt, NOT to get cheated on, NOT to be mistreated and disrespected wasn't there. I got stuck on the little things like if he has his thoughts about bringing his pots and pans here after living with me for 4 months, he must be thinking of leaving me soon. We also never bought the bed.

My fear and lack of trust led me to make unfair decisions because I was expecting him to be a bastard to me. And thus, he became one.

I can tell you a lot of things that are wrong with me. I have much good in there too. Love me for who I am and show it to me often. Tell me I look pretty. Tell me that you appreciate all that I do for you. Look for me. Hold me. Forgive me. Talk to me. Show me how to trust. That is the kind of love that I understand. And I bloom visibly through this kind of feedback. I will always give you my 100%.

 

I'm so utterly empty and broken up inside I just can't feel anything anymore. I don't want to feel. Maybe after the evening's last humiliating rejection, the part of me that wanted to give, be, do more died off. Maybe I just need to completely let go of the shards so that I can glue myself back together. To be honest, I don't even have the energy left to put on a smile or the will to pull myself together anymore. 

Something died inside of me and I need time to mourn... But that is another story, for some other time.