Not finding the positive side yet...

I have suffered a thousand little deaths this past month, every time I had to say no to my little one, when she asked for something in the supermarket or to go out anywhere other than the park. I have laid in bed and wondered what it is that I am doing wrong. I have changed plans over and over. I have prayed for the right plans. I have even cried in front of others. If you know me, you would know that crying to me in particular is as welcome an idea as chewing off my arms. But my desperation right now is so deep, more than ever so heartfelt.

I think I have lost faith in a better life because life has never been extremely kind to me. But I have to say that every good thing that happens is duly celebrated and cherished. I still wonder why God wanted us to learn to live in poverty. Is it trust? Is it faith? What is the goal of this precise exercise?

One of Nora's friends from school came up to me one day at the beginning of the month and asked me if it was true that we get our clothes from the church. And I was ashamed. How did I get here? How could things spiral so far out of control? How come things were going so well one moment and the next I am begging for 10 bucks to make it through the week? 

Nora's gestures are what brings me to tears every time. Yesterday, she went to the bank and asked the clerk to open up her piggy bank  so that she could buy me an ice cream. She sat there counting her little fortune and was willing to share it with me. She never argues, she never complains. She's my little hero!

I want to stop fighting for survival. I want to be debt-free. I want to offer Nora a few little extravagances every once in a while, like eating ice cream or going to the movies. I am very close to throwing away my plans for studying and getting a job, any job, just to come out of this horrible rut.

I don't need a shrink. I need a chance, a real job. And 10 bucks to make it through the week...