Making room for someone new

I just started a relationship with a very wonderful young man. YES! 

OH NO! I have been dreading having a new relationship so much because I fear the worst from the very beginning. But then last night, I spent the whole night thinking things over. When I was a young kid, I made a list of things I wanted my partner to have. The list went kinda like this: 

-Blue / grey / green eyes

-Dark blonde

-Taller than me (If you are a girl who loves heels, a taller guy is a MUST!)

-Great sense of humor

-Can play a few instruments

-Has a great smile

-Smart

 As I grew older, I got more insight through bad experiences. I also started to think about really important things like if he can get along great with my kid, want kids, deal with money, help around the house, build and repair stuff,  listen to the right kind of music, read my kind of books or watch the same kind of movies we like, how about his beliefs, food habits and hygene and so forth. And then I realized that the rest of my relationships were great practice for the real deal and up to this point, I didn't feel ready to have a boyfriend who thought about things like moving in with me in the future and buying a bed together. This was a really big deal!! (Considering I had trouble going to the supermarket with the previous one!) And while we were jokingly talking about the zillion things that have to be done in the apartment, it really hit me! I was for a few seconds paralyzed with dread and at the same time so relieved that things with this new guy seemed so incredibly "in sync" that he brought it up just as if it were the most natural thing in the world. A double bed? When would a single ever need a double bed? I've never thought of that...

I spent the night thinking that I haven't made any space for someone in my life at all. The previous boyfriends had no chance, no say, not even an empty drawer to put their stuff in! I have had all of my things where they should be and all the control because I didn't think anybody else should fill up any space at all. They just weren't good enough. And now that I have met this wonderful person, I'm emotionally ready to make some space, go crazy, empty one whole side of the closet, see how things turn out one little step at a time. He's right for me now because we are at a similar place in our lives and we fit comfortably without strains or awkwardness. And this relationship is different from the others because he is different and I can't go on in life expecting the worst, stumbling on things that I have already left behind, expecting him to make the same mistakes as others before him. I have to let go of a few things to make room for him, for the new things in our lives, for the new challenges ahead and the great experiences. I have to make room in my heart just as much as in the closet, even if he doesn't turn out to be the one I marry (which at this point in life I am really not considering!!!), so that we have a chance at all to work out.

Mr S. is really wonderful. Mostly because he doesn't pressure me to do anything. If things find their own speed, space and time, they will work out the way they have so far. I'm not freaking out for a change. Maybe I don't need the shrink to tell me I'm doing great. And I thank God for letting me see him for the magnificent person he is inside, for having met him at this point in time, for cluttering out my life to the point where we had the  basics to start something good this time around.

Did I mention that he fills ALL OF THE REQUIREMENTS ABOVE!? Yay me! But still, I'm keeping the keys to the house for myself... for now...