Have you ever analyzed your life and come to the conclusion that you would really like to do something but you never came around to it because your attitude got in the way?
Last year I challenged myself to do all the things I would not normally do. Nora and I went to an amusement park, got on all the rides, and even rode them twice if we thought they were extra scary. Then I made my best effort not to have a heart attack while hanging from very high ropes at a climbing park.
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| Like I said, very frigging high! |
We went to fairs and rode the highest and fastest rides too. Then we ate things we wouldn't normally eat, like Vietnamese and Thai, candied apples and other food. It was a real blast overcoming all those fears. And I gained a lot of self-respect because I nailed that. Woohoo me!!
For this year, the goal was to stop being so incredibly shy when it came to talking to people about myself. Hence the blog. I also got on a stage in front of the whole church and told part of my life story. That was horrifying! Although I have modeled almost bare naked and been on a stage several times before, I have never been so petrified before. Not even on the aforementioned ropes at the climbing park. I wasn't scared about the lights, the people or stuttering, but about opening up and showing the intimate me. What if nobody likes what they see?
If opening up has been a challenge, the real big one has been to reach out to other people. I realized that I have very few friends and although that is normal, I want to overcome the fear of opening up and letting others in and exchanging feelings and intimate thoughts. I have always dreamed of having lots of friends who like me. I want to finally make my childhood dream come true of having a really big party with lots of guests who know me and love me for who and what I am. I guess it's every (ex)reject's dream come true, right?
I have a crush on someone right now and whenever he even looks my way, whenever he comes near me, I stutter, forget the language and my name and trip over myself. At my age, I thought that would be over and I had the confidence in myself to at least exchange a few awkward sentences. But no, my extreme shyness and the nagging thought of "maybe he thinks I'm ugly" ruins it for me every time. So I'm gonna do it. I am going to talk to him this week.
Having seen that health and life are so fragile, I have sought to make every day memorable and special in its own way. Pushing myself to the limits and seeing that they are a lot farther than I imagined has opened up a world of possibilities and I really encourage you to try it. Some might be little things like touching a spider, eating something foreign to you or getting on a fast ride at the fair; or big things like talking to that someone who makes you stutter. But it's a step towards showing yourself your true potential. My advice: don't miss out on life because your fear gets in the way. You'll never know if you like it unless you try it.
