What happened??

Well, it's almost that time: the famous 30th birthday is next week. YIKES! I have been dreading ending my 20's because I always hoped that by then, I would have my life figured out. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and realizing that I can do better in many ways. And although I know a lot about a lot of subjects, I am not good at absolutely anything (other than being Nora's mom). But some things I used to be really really good at. And now it seems like that is gone too, together with my youthful looks.

The guys and girls I hang around with are barely 20 and I see a lot of my old self in them. Man, I love and admire these guys! Most of all, that huge amount of potential and strength, the great achievements that people younger than myself have reached and yes, I feel a little jealous of their accomplishments. 

But the true question is what happened to me? When did I lose my shine? Why? Yes, I have been though a whole lot this past decade. But when did I stop singing at the top of my voice? I used to sing in the school choir and always aimed to sing louder than all of them. At church, I didn't care if I carried the tune or lost a note here and there. I was happy singing at the top of my lungs, even if I didn't know the lyrics. And I was very happy on a stage. I felt right at home! Now I can barely squeak alone in the shower, much less talk to a stranger I like and flirt!

So now you can imagine how I felt when a dear friend of mine asked me to sing for him, for a beat he is making, and I could barely bring out a little mumble. When did fear creep up on everything I used to like? I was scared of doing it wrong, missing the tone, what if I sang it wrong? I realized that I had lost my voice! When did this happen?

I was a model in my late teens. Now I hate posing for the camera because of my double chin and because I feel ugly. But when I'm all alone, I still see that pretty girl I used to be in the mirror. She waves back from time to time, reminding me that she is still in there, deep inside. And growing older doesn't mean that I have to continue losing my beauty. It's still in there, under all the fear and the blunt edge I got from all the bad experiences.

I want to bring sexy back. I want the old me to shine through because I am just as wonderful as the guys and girls who have become my friends and honestly, I have just as much potential. Stay tuned because this girl is growing a year (or a few years) younger next week! And I plan on singing at the top of my lungs again!