It may not be true, but it's the way I see it!
This is a line I have heard in my head a lot of times this past week and a half. I have a new job and I am hating every single minute of telemarketing. Especially that I have to use my real name!
I have worked on sales and I have hated that, because I do honestly care for people. I care that they are well taken care of and it matters to me to be honest about whatever it is that I do for and with them. So it's quite the contradiction that I signed a contract to do telemarketing. It was out of pure need!
My sister once gave me a talking down when I was a few years younger. She said: "Mari, don't ever do anything which you will be ashamed of to tell your daughter some day. And never do anything that might ruin your name. You have only one name. Keep it clean!". When we came to Germany, nobody knew us. I was nobody, I am nobody and nobody knows anything about my past except what I choose to tell them. I define who I am by showing the best of me every day. I choose to live a life with a certain moral standard and honesty. I can sleep at night knowing that what I do and who I am is transparent and worthy of being proudly shown. By keeping my name clean I am inheriting a special moral and sense of direction to my little one. And to sell lies to customers is the business of people with very little scruples. I'm sure I'm not cut out for telemarketing. Not now, not ever!!!
And it's not just the fact that I am selling lies to my customers what affects me the most, it's actually that I have been pushed to doing something I hate just to survive. I've been here before and I was dead inside. The people sitting to my right and left look like soulless drones, squawking away like little parrots the lines which we are obligated to learn by heart. In their pauses you can sense their disillusionment and when you talk to them you see the resignation in their eyes. I wondered how long it took them to fall into this hole. It took me less than a week to realize I was slipping into the old habits. I was like this, but learned to feel alive again after a while.
I refuse to be a drone. And the more I refuse, the harder it gets to "get by". I see and feel my body rejecting lies and deception. I feel physically ill at the thought of lying and deceiving to get my paychek. It may be that others see telemarketing differently, but that is the way I see it! And I fear that by trying to get by, I might lose sight of that which is really important to me: staying in the straight and narrow, being transparent and letting light shine through. I pray that God forgives me every night, because I know I am doing wrong.
I am surely trying my best to get out of this situation ASAP. But does God forgive you if he knows you are sorry but have to do it to survive?
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