Forgiving, part II: How much sin does God let me get away with??

Ok so I've been keeping you updated on a lot of the details about my life. But just in case you missed it, here it goes again in a nutshell: I am a single mom, 30, living in Germany. I have a daughter who will turn 9 tomorrow and as much as I'd love to say that I am successful in everything I set my mind to do, I can only prove the opposite. I have no career, just began to work for a call center and up to last week, despised every moment I worked there, mostly because my job in sales consisted of telling half-truths or downright lying to the customers to reach a certain quota.  Oh, and I can't quit.

But God has his way of putting us exactly where we belong, at the right place and time (think of Jonah and the whale!). Even though I would never ever have chosen to put myself in this position, this is where I am exactly. And I wonder, when I lie to customers about their contracts (or tell them half-truths that sound very convincing), what exactly should I tell God if I dropped dead in a few minutes. I know I can't fool Him, but can I at least blame Him for sticking me into this particular jar of honey? I'd love to start the conversation with "Dear God, what were you thinking!!??". Fact is, I can't get out of this and I have to survive for Nora.

 When I came home from work the first week, I felt dirty and cried a lot. There was a rift that was inevitably beginning to form between my Father and myself after each lie and closed deal.  And I hoped God was not on the line, listening in on what I'd tell some people. I wanted to pull away from Him because I knew very well I was doing wrong and couldn't face God like this. And even worse, when my boss screened my calls, he gave me even more lies I could use to boost sales and a big thumbs up for the great work I was doing!! (INSERT FACE PALM HERE)

So, to find consolation, I went to the fountain of wisdom (my bible) and looked up what it had to say about continuously sinning. And it was apalling! Here are some of the verses I found:

-Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin.(John 8:34)

-For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it.(James 2:10)

-Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.(Galatians 5:19-21)

-For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 6:23)

And so on, and so forth....
...But then....

-He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit (...) (Titus 3:5)

So basically what this verse says is that it doesn't matter how righteous I am or how often  I have committed a specific sin because that is not how God weighs it out. Right? God has given us the unbelieveble gift of salvation in exchange for nothing at all, other than we repent every time we sin. And He knows full well that  we are gonna fall over and over on our faces, some with this kind of particular weakness, the other with another weakness. But basically we will all fall on a regular basis. But in the end, if we repent regularly, we'll be forgiven and there will be a happy end with angels singing joyfully for one converted sinner.

I am very confused! I see king David's story, for example. He was a great lover of God. And he sinned once and big time. And he angered God. And he was forgiven but cursed at the same time in the most horrible way a parent can experience pain: by seeing his son die. And his relationship with God was never the same after that. So what keeps me hoping for His forgiveness if God doesn't mix with sin? And how does that all fit in with the teachings of other biblical verses that say that it doesn't matter how much we sin, we will never be clean. But God's salvation is His gift to us, no matter how good or bad we've been??

Personally, after committing one big sin, I went downhill from there. I did a little more sinning, and then a little more here and there. I figured that my soul is like a dress; if I get one big dirty spot or many small ones, the dress is still dirty and it has to go into the washer because the size of the stain isn't what counts, but the fact that the fabric is soiled. Does God cleanse us and forgive us just like that too? And if he puts us somewhere where it is completely unavoidable to get dirty, are we acting right or still accountable for consciously committing a sin? Of course we have to deal with the consequences of all our actions. But are we truly forgiven? Is Judas forgiven for handing Jesus over to his enemies on a silver platter?

And there comes the other question haunting me like crazy: WHAT WAS HE THINKING BY PUTTING ME IN HERE, IN THIS PLACE, AT THIS TIME?!

Let me tell you what happened after. I had been very distraught and hoping for a miracle (or to get miraculously fired).  I felt sick at the thought of continuing my sinful journey. The first Friday I worked, my stomach rebelled against me so I had to go to HR and explain why I needed to go home earler. Well that was embarassing! How do you explain to your boss that the garbage you are dishing out is actually making you sick on the inside? I went home early after a long conversation with the guys in HR, telling them that I was very grateful for the opportunity they were offering me but I could not get my conscience to agree with the things that were going on in the department I was working in. They immediately switched me to the most honest campaign they had to offer, which is where I am working at the moment.
The Monday and Tuesday after that I missed work because my kid got sick. And in those two days, the HR personnel got everyone in a meeting and forbade them to continue lying to the customers. Some people got fired, some got a slap in the hand. Some were sent right back to training. And I still wonder if it had to do with the conversation I had with HR on that Friday when I left work early hoping and praying for a miracle to happen or was it, as they explained the change, because policies had been revised and rewritten? Was this what God had in mind for me? And was my sin forgiven if God knew that I couldn't have done anything differently? Lots of people were taken out of harm's way with this process. But some were fired and who knows what will happen to them and their families?

When I found out what had happened, I could not help but feel very relieved. I also felt like I was really forgiven and wearing a brand new, clean dress.

The last thing I ever want to do now is displease my Father. I want Him to look upon me again and not have anything ever to come between us. It even makes me sad to think that I will sin again and disappoint Him. Or that He might some day remove His presence or Holy Spirit from me. That would be horrible!!! But I learned a valuable lesson in the end.

The people who sit next to me at work ask me how and why it is that I have a huge smile on my face on a Monday morning. At the back of my mind, I am still overjoyed, replaying the events of the past few weeks and would love to share this joy with everyone around. But God sees the hidden things. That's what counts.